I Am Judas
by StarXEnoch
Summary: The last seven days of Jesus' life on earth told from Judas' viewpoint. Judas wasn't pure evil. Like all men, he had hopes and fears. In this reimagining of the Gospels set in the modern day, Judas' deeper motives are explored.
1. ChikFilA

Chapter One: Chik-Fil-A

Seven days before his death, Jesus of Nazareth stood patiently in line at Chik-Fil-A. Ours was a party of twenty. There was he, his mom, his best friend who was a girl, his twelve followers (which included me), and the wives of those were married. All together we must've taken up half of the building.

As usual, I was standing right beside Jesus. I whispered in his ear, "You think anybody will recognize you here?"

"I fear so," he laughed. "I think after that nice P.R. we got on Judea Live I can kiss my privacy goodbye."

Despite being a celebrity of a rabbi, Jesus never wore any fancy suits. On this day he wore a simple white tee shirt with the message "You wanna know what love is? Read between the lines!"air-brushed on it along with a pair of blue jeans. He always wore the same ratty pair of sandals on his feet. I had insisted before that I should get him some sneakers, but he always said that his toes needed breathing. Whatever that meant.

When it came time for Jesus to order his meal, he smiled and called the cashier by name. As we were finding places to sit Jesus announced, "Eat quickly. I want to reach Jerusalem by 4:00."

I ate with Jesus, his mom named Mary, his best friend who was a girl and also named Mary, and his brothers named James and John. "Sarah called me this morning," said the Mary who was his mother. "The zealots caused another riot today. They had your (referring to Jesus) picture printed on their shirts."

I groaned as I swallowed my fries. "I don't know how many times you've explained that you're not going to drive out the Romans!"I looked uneasily at the purple banner hanging from the ceiling.

"Too many," Jesus said as he took a bite of his sandwich. "But people who want war will find any way to justify it they can."

The Mary who was his friend who was a girl said, "You almost can't blame them. Rome taxes us pretty hard."

I might as well explain why I refer to the Mary who wasn't Jesus' mom this way. She was born mentally insane and spent her life up 'till the age of seventeen on the street. Jesus happened to be crossing the street one day and miraculously healed her. From that day on she was completely devoted to him. Everywhere Jesus went she went. I overheard her once telling her girlfriends that she thought he was cute. I asked Jesus the next day if he liked Mary. He said that he thought that she was very beautiful, but he was too busy for romance. I've seen the two of them give more than one meaningful stare at each other. When I made an off-color joke about the two of them last spring, Mary-Jesus' mother-nearly slapped me.

Jesus' mother was feisty like that. I guess she had to be in order to raise a son like hers.

As I chugged down my coke, Peter and Matthew called me over to their table. At sat down with them. "What's up?" I asked.

They both had worried looked on their faces. Matthew was the first to talk. "Have you heard, Judas?"

"Heard what?" I asked.

"Jesus has been talking about dying," Peter said.

"What about it?"

Matthew leaned forward and whispered, "Jesus has said that he's gonna die."

I shrugged. "We all die eventually."

Peter said, "He said that he's gonna die this week! He said that in order to bring man and God back together he has to be executed."

"Weird," I muttered. I pointed to his cup. "Order water next time."

When I sat back down with Jesus he asked, "What did they want?"

"They said that you're talking about your own death or something like that."

Jesus cheery expression vanished. He pointed to the window. I looked out and saw roads. A sign within reading distance read "Warning: Dead End Up Ahead." I shook my head and continued eating.

Jesus often used signs to get his point across rather than plain speaking. This sign was Jesus' way of assuring me that he had heard me.


	2. Jerusalem's Welcome

Chapter Two: Jerusalem's Welcome

Ever since Moses led the Jews out of Egypt, Passover was a celebrated holiday among God's chosen people. Ever since the Angel of Death passed over the houses that had the blood of a lamb sprinkled on its doors, God had created various rituals and feasts to help the Hebrew race remember it. I'll talk about things like the Passover Seder and the four cups later, but I want to talk about the unblemished lamb. While these things are common knowledge to my Jewish brothers, my Gentile audience will be thankful for the information.

On the Saturday before Passover Day (which would be the following Friday) the city of Jerusalem would send the high priest to the obscure town of Bethlehem to retrieve an unblemished lamb. The high priest would take the lamb back to Jerusalem through the eastern gate. For the next week, the lamb would be inspected for any possible flaw. On Friday, it would be slaughtered by the same Pharisee who brought it in.

Jesus well aware of this as he slowly rode his bicycle up to the eastern gate of Jerusalem. The rest of us were walking behind him, totally ignorant of what our leader was planning. Jesus was halfway up the hill to Jerusalem when we saw someone else only a few steps ahead of him. It was the high priest with the Passover lamb. In his right hand he held the rope that was tied around the lamb's throat.

Jesus rode up right behind him and stayed about a foot away from him. The priest knew that somebody was right behind him, but it was his custom not to turn around or stop walking until he had passed through the eastern gate. He only quickened his pace a little bit. Jesus did likewise and kept close behind him.

Everyone knew that Jesus had a strong distain for the Pharisees, and vice versa. Jesus didn't say a word, but simply continued to ride his bike a foot away from the Pharisee. For his part, the Pharisee tried to pretend that he didn't notice us behind him. I thought that this was Jesus' idea of a joke: Catching this religious leader in his own element. For a prank, it was pretty funny. I tried hard not to laugh. It wasn't until we reached the eastern gate that I realized just what Jesus had in mind.

People were crowed on the sidewalks to see the Passover lamb brought in When the Pharisee entered with the lamb they become completely silent and bowed their heads. I'm sure that he loved to be honored in that way, but he was in for an unpleasant surprise. As soon as Jesus passed through the eastern gate on his bike, the mob began to whisper.

_"Who is that man?"_

"_He seems so familiar……"_

_"I think I've seen him on TV…."_

"_Is that Jesus?"_

_"Yes, it's Jesus!"_

Suddenly, and without warning, the crowd gave an ear-piercing cheer. The Pharisee spun around and saw, and no doubt to his utter shock and disgust, Jesus steal all of the reverence from him. Not to mention that Jesus was the only man in Judea who vocalized his hatred of the religious leaders. The priest just stood there with his mouth wide open as Jesus rode ride past him.

The crowd went wild for him. They called Jesus to save them (From what is open to debate), to heal them, to answer their questions, to lead them to God, ect. Jesus smiled and nodded as he rode down the street. They people ran to follow Jesus as he rode through Jerusalem.

_Jesus, you have excellent timing_, I thought.

Jesus rode into a small playground. Everyone nearly trampled each other to get to him. Jesus set down his bike and climbed up onto the slide. The multitudes gathered around on all sides. When everyone was settled down and ready to listen, Jesus began speaking.

"'Let us learn about the Lord. He comes to us like the spring and autumn rains,'" he proclaimed. "That is what the prophet Hosea said about the coming Messiah. Is it not Fall now?"

Jesus picked up a red leaf that had fallen on the slide and handed it to a little boy in the crowd. He treasured it in his hands.

Jesus announced, "I am here and on time!" The crowd gave such a wild yell that my ears nearly popped.

"Tell the crowds to be quiet!" shouted one voice when all of the others had died down. Everyone turned and saw that it was the Pharisee. "If you can control these people so well, then get them to be silent!"

Jesus got off of the slide and walked right up to him. His voice so low that only I and a few others heard it. "Even if these people didn't praise me, the noise would still continue. The rocks and stones know how to be joyful also."

Never in his life had the high priest been spoken to like that. Jesus kneeled down to the sheep and whispered, "You shall be the last of you kind to die like this." Jesus stood tall and told us all, "I have come to fulfill the prophesies of Elijah and Jeremiah! The kingdom of God is almost here!" After another lengthy applause from his mob Jesus said, "Look not to your own understanding when you see strange things happen. Be like a child, and thank God for what you don't understand with faith that you will understand all in good time. For I tell you this: I have come in the fall, but the spring of my return won't come until I'll of Jerusalem said, 'Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!'"

Once again, the crowds praised their leader, their king, their Messiah.


	3. Jesus' Warning

Chapter Three: Jesus' Warning

It had been a very trying day. Come to think of it, any day involving Jesus was pretty trying anyway. Let me rephrase…..

Under the circumstances, it had been an especially trying, long, and exhausting day. By nightfall, I was ready to call it a day and get some sleep. There was only one small problem: We had nowhere to sleep for the night. The nearest hotel was three miles down the road and we were all broke. I was worried that we would have had to spend the night under a bridge.

But thanks to some planning on Jesus' part, I wouldn't have to go through that again. Mary (his friend) had a sister who lived not ten minutes from where Jesus gave his big speech right after he strolled into Jerusalem. Mary's sister Martha agreed to let us all crash at her place until Passover. I personally think Martha wanted the chance to meet a bunch of unmarried men, but that's just me.

Martha greeted us at the door with open arms. As soon as she saw Jesus, she got down and her hands and knees and kissed his feet. Call it whatever you want, but this was usually the reaction people have when they first meet Jesus. Jesus helped Martha up, kissed her forehead, and whispered something in her ear that we didn't catch.

Martha had a two story house. Even so, it was pretty crowed in there. Each of us got assigned a room with two different people. I got stuck with Jesus and Peter. By now you all know plenty about Jesus, but let me tell you about Peter.

Before Jesus got him to join the cause, Peter was the drummer for a heavy metal band called _Kêph_. Never heard of them? Exactly! Peter had long black hair and a shaggy face in desperate need of a shave. Peter liked to think of himself as a badass, and pretty much was. He was known for scaring away religious fanatics who tried to attack Jesus (And trust me, there were plenty of those!).

Three beds crammed in one small room. As soon as we entered the room Peter and I climbed in the ones closest to us. Jesus said that he'd go to bed soon, and that he had to do something first. He left Peter and I there to fall asleep. Peter nodded off rather quickly, but for some reason I couldn't fall to sleep. Even though I felt the weight of sleep upon me, I simply lay there in bed as the minutes rolled by.

I twiddled my thumbs, counted sheep, and played out the events of the day as I waited for my brain to expire. When I felt that I had been awake for too long I checked the time on my cell phone and found that I had been awake for thirty minutes. I rolled over and saw the empty bed between Peter and myself and wondered, _Where is Jesus?_

As I wondered this I happened to glance out the window and saw the silhouette of somebody sitting on the outside porch. I assumed that this must be Jesus. I climbed out of bed and crept through the dark house as best I could. I found the door that led to the porch, and stepped outside.

Just as I had suspected, there was Jesus sitting in one of two chairs. He looked up and asked, "You should be in bed, Judas."

"Couldn't sleep," I told him. I sat down in the chair beside him. "So what have you been doing out here?"

"Just thinking."

"Talking to God?"

Jesus chuckled. "Yes."

I leaned back in my chair. "So what are we going tomorrow?"

"I haven't decided yet." Jesus thought for a moment. "I have a bunch of stuff I need to say before Passover. Maybe I'll give an all-day sermon."

"Well good luck writing it. No doubt you'll come up with some brilliant poetry for it, but I don't think you can ever top the Beatitudes."

Jesus laughed. "That's why I like you Judas. You walk where others tremble. You say what others fear to think." He lowered his voice. "And you're awake while others are asleep."

I raised an eyebrow. "In other words I'm a cynic."

"Yah, pretty much," Jesus answered.

Jesus and I sat there and watched the cars drive by on the road. We sat there in silence for several minutes until Jesus broke the silence.

"I've been talking to God about you."

"Oh?"

"Judas, you are a very smart person which much depth. But Satan wants to cast you into darkness."

"Doesn't Satan want to cast everyone into darkness?"

"He has his sights set on you. Satan plans to use your love of knowledge and intellect for your own destruction."

I become nervous at this statement. "Really?"

Jesus continued. "Satan is everywhere, and he attacks us when we are at our weakest. And not all of his tracks are of cloven feet."

"I'll keep an eye open for him," I assured Jesus.

"I know you will," Jesus said. "You're always on your guard. And I have prayed for you." Jesus stood up, and I did likewise. "Let's get some shut eye. We can't resist the Devil if we're too tired to see him."

Jesus and I climbed back into our beds and immediately fell asleep. When we awoke early the next morning we were refreshed and ready to face the challenges of the new day.


	4. Jesus' Sermon

Chapter Four: Jesus' Sermon

Jesus picked out a great place to give his sermon. It was an abandoned dirt lot right beside a drug store. It was apparently going to be the sight of a new grocery store to put the drug store out of business, but so far not one brick of it was laid yet. After breakfast Jesus, myself, and the others walked over to the empty lot and stood there.

"So do you have your sermon written out?" I asked him.

"You know that I like to improvise these things," Jesus said. "I've got the basic points of what I want to say planned out, but I like to preach with my first thoughts."

I nodded. This was one of things that originally attracted me to Jesus. He didn't write long elaborate speeches and then rehearse them a million times. He just got up in front of whoever would listen (whether it was five or five thousand) and casually deliver his thoughts. He was so honest whenever he spoke that he was almost naïve! Don't believe me? He gave one of his most famous speeches while sitting down on a dirt mound!

I'll say this for Jesus: He certainly followed his philosophy about the need to have a child's mind.

By now people were beginning to notice that Jesus was in the empty lot. Crowd by crowd, the multitudes gravitated over to him. Jesus cheerfully greeted them all as they came. He shook hands, kissed foreheads, and made everyone feel welcome. When Jesus figured that everybody had come who was going to come, he began.

"I know prostitutes and drug dealers that are going to Heaven!" he announced.

As could be expected, this caused quite a stir among his audience. People did a double-take, trying to see if they heard right. I had no clue what he meant, myself.

I turned to James beside me and asked, "What is he talking about?"

James simply told me to be quiet and listen. I did.

"The prostitutes and the drug dealers heard John the Baptist, and they listened to him. When they heard me, they listened all the harder. They listened, believed, and now follow. They will follow me through the gates of Heaven. Anyone who wishes to know God must follow their example."

If I were following any other teacher right now I would have already put on my iPod. But Jesus had a certain creative genius about him. His improvised sermons had a mixture of truth, humor, and modern relevance that we could all relate to. Jesus' sermon continued.

"A rich land owner hired a group of field hands to work his pastures. When fall came, he sent several of his servants to go collect his share of the harvest from them. When they saw the servants, the workers harassed them all until they ran away. The land owner then sent his son to go collect the share of the harvest. When the field hands saw the son, they killed him for his inheritance. What did the rich land owner do?"

The shouts from the listeners were predictable.

_"He was furious and_ _would never forgive them!"_

_"He made them all die a slow miserable death!"_

_"He killed the workers and hired good ones!"_

Jesus laughed. He seemed to be amused by their input. "Oh, the man was furious all right. But he didn't kill them. He was quick to forgive them. They remained employed to him and continued to be stewards of his land."

Everyone gasped. "What kind of father would let them live?" one man asked.

Jesus didn't answer his question, but said, "You people need to reread your Torahs. The father knew the son would be killed. And that is why he sent him. The rejected son became the cornerstone for the Lord's work."

Everyone (including myself) was scratching their head. Usually Jesus' stories were self-explanatory. They contained messages such as to give to the poor and to love your neighbor. But this was totally alien to anything that Jesus had said before.

"Allow me to explain," said Jesus. Everyone leaned in towards him. "The rick land owner is God, who sends his servants, the prophets, to the workers, the people of the world. But mankind has rejected all of God's messengers."

I lost myself at this point. I couldn't help but to vocalize the query. "If God is the land owner, the prophets are his servants, and the people of the world are the tenants, then who is the man's son?"

Jesus beamed his eyes strait at me. "You decide." He turned and walked among the crowd. "Only people who bear good fruit may enter the kingdom of Heaven. If anybody tries to crush the corner stone, they themselves will be crushed. I challenge you all to abandon everything you know and come to the corner stone."

Jesus had people on all sides of him. He turned around and around, so that everyone could see his face. He had a huge smile on his face that was soon wiped off by a cool voice in the crowd.

"Could you please be a bit more specific on what exactly they're supposed to abandon, Jesus?"

The speaker was none other than the Pharisee who Jesus humiliated yesterday. By now I had found out just who he was. His name was Caiaphas, and he was the Roman-appointed high priest, as well as the chairman of the Sanhedrin (the Jewish high court). There was no doubt in my mind that Caiaphas saw Jesus as an obvious threat.

Jesus answered coolly, "They should turn away from the corruptions this earthly world. These include the corruption of money, the corruption of politics, and the corruption of religion." Jesus looked around at everybody. "Very truly I tell you, when the corner stone falls, it will crush the third corruption that I have mentioned!"

Caiaphas was furious. He immediately yelled back, "How dare you!"

Then he suddenly stopped screaming and looked around. Everyone was staring right at him. He realized that he couldn't say anything negative to Jesus because he already had the crowds on his side. Caiaphas could think of nothing to do other than sheepishly step away into the back.

Jesus continued his speech, but I kept my eyes on Caiaphas. He silently sat in the back and watched his rival with the eyes of an eagle. Jesus spoke without any sign of fear or intimidation. I thought to myself, _Jesus has the goodness of a child, but just like a child he's too innocent to see the danger brewing around him._

At this time in my life I honestly believed that this was where I was most valuable to Jesus. While Jesus had his hands full with matters of Heaven, I had his back by keeping an eye on the matters of Earth.


	5. The Claims

Chapter Five: The Claims

The sermon was over. We all headed back to Martha's house to plan out our operations for the following week. Jesus insisted on visiting the Great Temple the next day. He was really excited about finally being able to see it. The day afterward Jesus wanted to minister to the sick and dying. Then on Wednesday I suggested that Jesus give another sermon in a different spot than today. Jesus agreed with me, for it was important to spread out. Thursday was the eve of Passover. Thursday night we were going to have the traditional Passover meal, the Seder. The two Marys agreed to prepare the food. None of us had any idea what Jesus had in mind for Friday, but we could certainly see in his eyes when we brought it up that he was planning something.

With everything all planned out, a great deal of stressed had been taken off of me. It was always important to me to know what Jesus' exact plans were. It was especially important to me in this large and unpredictable city with such shady people like Caiaphas watching our every move.

We all relaxed that evening. We flipped on the TV and saw that Jesus was being talked about on the news. I didn't remember any cameramen at the lot when Jesus was delivering his sermon, but the whole thing had apparently been filmed and several parts of it were being shown.

Later that night Peter and I were alone in our room playing chess. Midway into the game I asked, "Say Peter, do you know what Jesus was talking when he was giving his parable about the field hands who murdered the rich man's son?"

"Beats me," Peter said. "I'm still trying to figure it out. I think it was about his death though."

"Whose death?" I asked.

Peter looked up at me as if I were crazy for not knowing the answer. There was much sadness in his voice when he finally answered, "Jesus'."

I was slightly startled by this. "There you go again Peter. You think that Jesus is about to kick the bucket?"

Peter suddenly became very angry with me, which meant that he was ready for a fight. "How dare you talk about him that way!"

"Calm down man! I'm sorry!" I said defensively. "Why do you think that Jesus is going to die?"

"You haven't heard?" Peter asked. "Jesus had been talking about it all the time. He's been sayin' that he's going to die!"

"What? Is he going to commit suicide of something?"

Peter shook his head. "He said that he's to be handed to the priests and that they are going to have him executed!"

"When did he say this?"

"I heard him talking about it even before we came to Jerusalem."

"I haven't heard him!"

"You might not have been listening!"

I leaned back on my bed. "So the son of the rich man was him?"

"Yes."

I leaned forward. "So Jesus is the son of God?"

"Of course!" Peter said.

I had heard this rumor before, but never from the mouth of Jesus. Jesus said things like "Me and the Father (his way of referring to God) are one". I figured that Jesus meant that he and God were one in unity and had the same mission. But other people heard crazy things and give birth to wild stories.

"Do you believe Jesus is God's son?" I asked Peter.

"With my whole heart!" he said. "Don't you?"

"I believe what Jesus said: That he and the Father are one." Peter seemed pleased by this. I asked him, "Have you heard Jesus say from his own mouth 'I am the son of God!'?"

"Yes," Peter said. "What are you thinking?"

In truth I was thinking,_ Jesus, you certainly know how to keep people on their toes!_

But instead all I did my move my rook over to Peter's queen and said, "Check mate!"


	6. The Great Temple

Chapter Six: The Great Temple

The Great Temple stood in the center of Jerusalem. It took us about two hours to walk there. As we made our way on the sidewalk, many people noticed that Jesus was with us. Some of them waved at him, but many of them dropped what they were doing and asked Jesus what he was up to.

Jesus kindly told them that he was going to the Great Temple to pray and that they were more than welcome to join him. They eagerly took the invitation. By the time we were halfway there we had a crowd of about forty people trailing behind us.

"I am so excited about finally being able to see the Great Temple," Jesus told them. "It is where the priests sacrifice burnt offerings to the Lord, and where the Ark of the Covenant used to reside."

I interrupted Jesus. "You do realize that this isn't even the original temple that Solomon built. It was destroyed by the Babylonians centuries ago. This is the second temple built by King Herod."

"I am well aware of that, Judas," Jesus said. "But this isn't Herod's temple. Any house where people pray is God's temple."

Suddenly, Jesus stopped walking and talking. He stared ahead of us in awe. We looked up and saw the Great Temple in front of us.

From the outside, the temple was a sight to see. It was about the size of a grocery store. Its bricks were yellow, which gave the illusion that the building was made of gold. It looked to be three stories high. There was a barb wire fence about it with a sign that read "Jews Only May Enter. Gentiles Will Be Shot".

There were two Jewish guards and four Roman guards at the front gate in front of the temple. We had to show our IDs to them to prove our Hebrew heritage so that we could enter. Jesus gave a look of disgust as he pulled out his from his wallet.

"Are you aware of what Isaiah 56:7 says?" Jesus asked the guards. They shook their heads. "Figures," Jesus mumbled.

As we walked up the temple steps we heard a great noise coming from the inside. When we reached the front door the noise was louder. It was the sound of many people talking, screaming, and yelling.

Jesus swung open the door and we were all shocked by what we saw. Where the great empty space for praying was supposed to be, there were tables and booths set up. Venders were exchanging currencies, selling cheap trinkets, and trading goods. Where people should be kneeling in reverence to the Lord, men were bartering for sacrificial animals. Prostitutes were lined up against the walls. One man sat in a corner selling packets of suspicious white powder to anyone who would pay the price.

As stunned as I was to see all of this, I was going to be even more shocked by Jesus' reaction.

I turned to him. Jesus was rare to anger and quick to let go, but his eyes were kindling a terrible fury that I had never seen before. He watched the great house of prayer be used as a sleazy market place for several seconds, then bellowed out a great yell.

He ran up to a table selling fruit and grabbed it. With all of his strength he turned it over. All of the fruit fell scattered on the ground right in front of the seller. Before he could straiten Jesus out, he ran over to a booth. As he tore it down he gave an ear-piercing wail that made my heart jump.

The chatter and talking ceased. Everyone in the Great Temple stopped what they were doing and stared at Jesus. The whole building was silent, except for the sounds of Jesus' screams and his vandalism. Like a maniac he ran from table to table, from booth to booth, tearing everything down. When he felt like he had done enough damage he looked at everyone and spoke with such thunder it was as if God's voice itself was booming down from Heaven.

"_My temple should be a house of prayer! But you have made it a den of thieves!" _

Jesus picked up some key chains from the ground. Five minutes ago they were on sale, but now Jesus was throwing them at the people.

"Get out!" he cried as he aimed them right at the venders. "Get out all of you!"

Everyone scattered in a flash. In a matter of seconds, all who were left in the temple were Jesus, I, the other disciples, and those who had followed us. Jesus didn't acknowledge any of us as he stormed out of the temple.

To sheep to their Sheppard, everybody followed Jesus to see what he would do next. Everyone except me. I stood there alone in the temple pondering over Jesus' words.

"_My temple should be a house of prayer! But you have made it a den of thieves!"_

Jesus said that the temple belonged to him. Just a few minutes ago he said that it didn't belong to Herod, but the Lord.

"_My temple should be a house of prayer!"_

The meaning of those words rang clear to me: Jesus had claimed to be God. I thought last night that Peter was mistaken on what he heard Jesus say. I knew now that Peter was correct.

_How long has Jesus been proclaiming his own divinity? _I wondered.

What's more was that his followers believed him blindly. Yesterday I knew that if Jesus told his followers to do anything, they'd do it. Today I realized that if Jesus told his followers anything, they'd believe it. And they were.

I sat down on the stone floor and thought, _Jesus, you've told people that you're God. The truth is irrelevant, because one thing is for certain: You're their god._


	7. The Fig Tree

Chapter Seven: The Fig Tree

As we followed Jesus back to Martha's house the gravity of Jesus' actions sank into my brain. I was already trying to get around the fact that Jesus was calling himself God, but his actions in the Great Temple where mind-boggling enough.

Regardless of my own personal feelings towards what went on in the temple before Jesus put a stop to it, I had to admit that it was a way of life that seemed to be working. Sure, I wasn't particularly happy to find a huge market place within the house of prayer. But it had created a place for venders to sell their products, and for others to buy them. The Great Temple had become an informal social gathering, which wasn't really a bad thing.

Even if Jesus didn't like what was going on the temple, even he would have to admit that it was an organized system that people were content with. It was so easy for Jesus to tear it down, but how easy would it be for him to come with another way of worship? I became fearful that if Jesus didn't succeed in doing so, he would die trying.

Jesus showed his true mission in the Great Temple. He wasn't just set on spreading a message of love and peace to his fellow man. His ambitions were going far beyond that. Jesus didn't want to just show to the world what hypocrites the Pharisees were. He wanted to change the very ideals of organized religion.

I remembered the things that Jesus said to Caiaphas_. _

"_Very truly I tell you, when the corner stone falls, it will crush the third corruption that I have mentioned!"_

When I first heard them, I thought that they were the words of a slightly cocky self-confident rabbi. I now saw that Jesus was totally convinced that he could change the world. Like a madman he was turning the whole world upside down!

The worst part was that Jesus was totally fearless about doing so. He didn't care if he had to be a complete fanatic and destroy valuable things. Jesus didn't care who he had to danger in order to establish his kingdom on Earth. He didn't care that he had to call himself God so that people would listen.

And they were! People were blindly following Jesus. His popularity increased daily. Jesus had the entire Jewish population wrapped around his finger. People thought that he was the Messiah, and would do whatever he told them to.

It was a two hour walk back to Martha's house. Two hours was a long time to be thinking about Jesus' mission. We walked in awkward silence the whole time. The followers had left us, and only the official twelve, the two Marys, Jesus, and I were left.

When we were back at Martha's neighborhood Jesus suddenly said, "I'm hungry."

He walked over to a fig tree growing beside the sidewalk. When they are in season, fig trees produce some of the most delicious fruit that I've ever tasted. But it was fall, and this tree was bearing no fruit. I knew that the reason that the tree had no figs was because it was out of season. Jesus, however, seemed to be offended by its lack of fruit.

"You have nothing for me to eat!" Jesus yelled at the tree. "Because of this, I curse you! Never again will you ever bear any fruit!"

With these words the tree withered away and died. Everyone but I gasped at this in awe. Jesus resumed walking to Martha's house. Everyone was amazed that Jesus killed the fig tree just by speaking. I wasn't.

I had seen Jesus turn water into wine, walk on water, and heal the sick. I'm sure that Jesus would have liked me to think that he could do these things because he was the son of God. But I had seen pagan priests summon spirits, Greek wizards predict the future, and Roman philosophers cast spells over their enemies. Not all supernatural powers are owned by God. Whatever the source of his power was, Jesus was using them to further his own agenda.

While the disciples were even more convinced that Jesus because of what he did to the tree, and became more and more fearful of him. When we walked into the house I was the only disciple who asked himself, _Who have I been following these past three years?_


	8. Fear and Love

Chapter Eight: Fear and Love

It was evening. Everyone was in the living room watching the news. Just as I feared, Jesus' irrational lash out at the Great Temple was the main story. I looked around and saw that Jesus wasn't present. I left the other apostles and sought him. I wanted to see if he would tell me anything of his personal agenda and what he truly planned to do in Jerusalem.

I found him in our room sitting on his bed. He had his back to me and was facing the opened window. Sitting on the window seal was a little red bird. It gave a few lively chirps at Jesus.

He said to the bird, "I know what their planning. This is all part of my dad's plan. None of this is catching me by surprise." The bird gave a few more chirps, to which Jesus replied, "Unfortunately yes, I'm afraid so."

The bird flew away and Jesus turned to me. "Hello Judas," he said.

"Jesus, I need to talk to you about something," I said.

"You're scared, aren't you?"

"How'd you know?"

Jesus smiled. "A little bird told me."

Jesus motioned for me to sit down beside him. As I did so, and with all of the courage I could muster I said, "Jesus, I think that you went too far in the Great Temple today."

To my surprise, Jesus wasn't angry at me for speaking my mind. He gently asked, "Why?"

I swallowed and chose my words carefully. "Jesus, you are in a great position of power. I hope you realize that. People look at you and they don't see a man, or even a human being. You are an icon. Your disciples look strait past your flesh and see God. Nobody questions your actions, but work to model their lives after how you live yours."

"I know, Judas," he said. "You don't need to remind me of this. I choose my words and actions carefully because I know that this generation and their descendants will look to them as an example. But what does this have to do with the Great Temple?"

"People are going to behave differently in there from now on," I said. "They're going to think twice before they do anything on there."

"That's the idea," Jesus said.

"I don't mean it in a good way," he said. "You're confusing people. I don't just mean about turning over the tables in the temple. I'm talking about your whole ministry. People blindly follow you, and you are doing some pretty life-altering stuff."

"Why are you so worried about that now?" Jesus asked. "You've seen me change lives ever since you joined me. I changed your life, and you were thankful for it. Why are you thinking that it's a bad thing all of the sudden?"

"Because I don't think you are content with just changing how people live. I've seen you scold Caiaphas and other Pharisees. You want to change the entire Jewish mindset. And I don't think that even you can do that. You can't change human nature."

"Change _is _human nature," Jesus insisted.

I wasn't getting my point across. I tried to organize my thoughts, but to no avail. I tried to think of what my main point was, but I couldn't find any in my chaotic, confused brain.

Jesus asked me, "Judas, who do you say I am?"

I was caught off-guard. "What?"

"I have been called many things," Jesus said. "Caiaphas has his own opinion of me. So do Peter and Mary. The merchants who were at the Great Temple have their own thoughts about me, and I suspect that you do too. Who do you say I am?"

My mouth opened, but no words came out. I thought for a moment. _Who is Jesus? _He stared deep into my eyes, and I realized that I didn't know who I thought he was. Some people said that Jesus was the reincarnation of John the Baptist or Elijah, and I knew that those ideas weren't true. Jesus himself had been claiming to be the Messiah for the past two years of his life. I never denied this because the Messiah was supposed to be the prophet to lead the Jewish people, and I knew Jesus to be one of many prophets who lead the Jewish people.

Recently Jesus was promoting his own divinity. I pondered over the reality of this for a moment. If Jesus was divine, then I was having a conversation with my own creator right now. The very idea terrified me because I feared God.

I couldn't explain why I was afraid of God other than saying that God was all powerful and was known to smite people whom he was angry with. If Jesus somehow was God in human form, then every time I said "Hello" or "Goodbye" to him, I was saying that to an ageless and all knowing entity who knew everything I had said, done, and thought. Needless to say, I was very comfortable with the idea that God was in Heaven and humanity was on earth.

I was certainly that Jesus was more than just a man. Anyone who could walk on water was more than "just a man". But just how special was Jesus? He kept staring at me. His black eyes seemed to tear right through my flesh and examine my very soul. He was waiting for me to answer.

I told him, "You've claimed to be many things. The day we met you said that you were a prophet, and I believed you. About a year later you started to spread the news that you were the Messiah, and I helped promote it. Now you say that you're God, or the Son of God."

I paused. Jesus said nothing but kept staring at me. I said, "I say you are who you say you are."

Jesus suddenly looked up at the ceiling. "I see it now," he whispered.

"See what?" I asked.

Jesus looked back at me. "Do you know what was keeping you from telling me what your soul was trying to tell you?"

I tried to think up an answer that Jesus would approve of. "A lack of faith?" I tried.

"Fear," Jesus corrected. He looked back up at the ceiling. "I see it now. This is how Satan will trap you. Not greed or hatred, but fear. Fear of Satan's greatest tool, for when the insecurities of people are exposed the darkness flies into the cracks."

I found this remark to be rather interesting and was eager to hear more. "What is the solution against fear? Courage?"

Jesus shook his head. "Love," he answered. "When people love, they're too busy to fear. Fear destroys man's relationship with things, whether they are with things or activities or other people or God. Fear destroys and love builds up."

I nodded my head, which is what I usually did when Jesus said something that enlightened me. I thought to myself, _Perhaps I need to practice love……._


	9. The Power

Chapter Nine: The Power

If Jesus was known for anything, it was for working miracles. Whether he was multiplying food or calming a storm, Jesus had a power over the natural world that no other prophet or magician could even compare to. Even the Pharisees who hated Jesus couldn't deny the fact that he had powers. I have already explained that I wasn't quite sure where Jesus got his powers, or even what his true purpose was for using them. I tried to keep an open mind today as Jesus exercised them to heal the sick.

Before we went to bed last night we released the news that the Messiah would be healing people in front of the Great Temple the next day. By the time we got there (which was early in the morning) the multitudes were already gathered.

"Looks like I got my work cut out for me," Jesus laughed as he walked up to them.

Sickness knows no gender, age, height, social class, or ethnicity. Watching Jesus heal people showed me proof of that. People who had carelessly broken their arms were standing next to people who had been blind and deaf their whole lives. Also present were victims of cancer and AIDS who knew that there was there was no known cure for their curses. Jesus didn't just have patients who were physically damaged. Desperate mothers brought their mentally impaired children to their only hope.

Jesus touched the foreheads of his patients to cure them of whatever they had. Normally he would take his time and give a few kind words to them, but the mob today was bigger than any crowd that Jesus had ever dealt with before. Everyone was pushing and shoving to get to Jesus. It was all us disciples could do to avoid getting trampled over while the multitudes ran to healer.

About fifteen minutes into his chaotic healing, Jesus stopped. He walked away from the mob and called us apostles to him. He said, "This crowd is much too big for me. I won't be able to get to them all."

"Nothing's too big for you, Jesus!" Matthew cried enthusiastically.

"No, I mean it. It is," Jesus said. "God's work isn't meant to be done by one man alone. I need you all to help me heal them. Now go and cure them!"

Everyone became confused at Jesus' command. "What?" we asked him.

"Go and offer to cure the sickly," Jesus said. "They're waiting. Go!"

"Go and heal tem like you do?" I asked.

"Unless you can find some other way," Jesus said.

Jesus walked away from us and returned to the waiting mob. "What is he talking about?" Peter asked.

Mary-Jesus' friend, was with us. "I think I know," she said with a smile. Mary walked confidently over to the multitudes and yell, "Come to me! I'll heal!"

The rest of us had our eyes glued on her. One teenage boy with a broken leg made his way over to her as best he could with his crutches. Mary met him halfway, touched his leg, and said, "In the name of God, may your leg be healed."

I half expected nothing to happen, but was hopeful and exited anyway. At Mary's words the teenager dropped his crutches and tore off the brace on his leg. He stood firmly on two unbroken feet. Mary hugged him and bid him to love God and serve him as best he could.

We male disciples stood there in awe as we saw Mary curing others along side of Jesus. I was determined not to be outdone by a woman, so I ran to the crowd and beckoned for them to come to me. A mother brought her baby that was missing an arm to me.

I suddenly felt very nervous about what I was doing. I hesitated before I placed my heads on the baby's forehead. _What happens if I do the wrong thing? _I wondered. _What happens if do the right thing? _Feeling extremely foolish, I whispered, "In the name of God, may you have your arm."

Nothing happened. I glanced around and saw the others were staring at me like I had three heads. Mary and Jesus were healing others easily. The worried mother was staring at me impatiently. Then I remembered something Jesus once said.

_"Those with faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains."_

With as much faith as I could muster I once again placed my hands on the deformed baby. I didn't shout my words, but I didn't whisper them either. I spoke, "In the name of God, may you have your arm."

Before my eyes the supernatural occurred. Like a twig growing out of the ground, an arm emerged from the baby's skin. It grew to full length and sprouted a hand with five fingers. The mother gave me her thanks, and then ran off. I was immediately met with others who wished to be healed. I set to work with the same attitude that I had when I gave the baby its arm, and I got positive results.

Upon seeing both Mary and I heal people with the power of Jesus, the other apostles tried it on their own. Soon we were all using the miraculous power that Jesus had leant us to heal all types of people of various illnesses.

The people who were being healed were ecstatic. Many who I cured jumped up in the air and screamed insane ramblings. A few of them shouted thing like "Thank you God!" or "Praise Jesus!" I looked over at Jesus who smiled when he heard these things.

Then somebody in the crowd swiftly walked past me. He wasn't sick, or desired any help. As soon as I saw his face I recognized him. He was Caiaphas. I don't know how long he had been spying us heal people. Caiaphas walked straight up to Jesus in the middle of the mob and angrily asked, "Do you hear what they're saying Jesus?"

"Loud and clear," he responded.

"They're praising you!" Caiaphas spat. "Do you approve?"

"Yes," Jesus said. "Have you never read the scriptures? They say '_Out of the mouths of infants and nursing babies you have prepared praise for yourself'._"

I approached Caiaphas and asked, "Jesus has given us the power to heal the sick and deformed. Why shouldn't he get praise?" Caiaphas said nothing, but stormed off.

I looked at Jesus and remembered our conversation from last night. _"Judas, who do say I am?" _That question rang in my head, and I felt like I needed to give Jesus a better answer than the one I had previously given him.

Jesus had always been very humble, yet he was proclaiming to be divine. It was possible that he was telling the truth. I thought of what he was doing right now. Not only did he have power over the human condition, but he was willing to share it with others.

_Who do I say you are, Jesus? _I told him, "I say you're the son of God."

Jesus smiled. We hugged, and then went back to God's work.


	10. Jesus' Transfiguration

Chapter Ten: Jesus' Transfiguration

Have you ever noticed that when you're worried about something time seems to slow to craw? On the other hand, when you're carefree time flies like the wind. The rest of the day went by so quickly for me that in a matter of seconds it was dinnertime. The kitchen was overcrowded, so I ate mine on the outside porch. I was soon joined by Peter.

"How are you, Peter?" I asked him. The other night when I played chess with him I thought of him as an opponent with an opposing viewpoint. Now I saw him as a likeminded friend.

"I'm doin' well," Peter answered. "How 'bout you, Judas?"

"Never better." I took a bite of my food.

"You seem more cheerful than usual," observed Peter. "Anything happen?"

"I just realized something today. All this time we've been following Jesus, we've been following the son of God!"

"Yep," Peter said as he ate.

"We don't need to worry about anything. What's going to happen to us, what Jesus is planning, what Caiaphas is doing, or anything! God is in control of all of these events!"

"Amen," Peter said.

"No, it's more than that," I said. "This whole time I've been with Jesus I've been concerned about our well-being. I've been keeping an eye out for everyone. I thought that I had to have Jesus' back. But now I see that none of this is in my hands. My job is to learn from Jesus as much as I can."

Peter laughed. "You remind me of myself when I first discovered who Jesus was."

I asked him, "When did it dawn on you?"

Peter took a bite and swallowed. "Oh, it didn't dawn on me. We saw it."

"Saw what?" I asked.

Peter frowned. "Never mind," he said quickly.

"Who's 'we'?" I asked.

"Nothing," Peter said as if he had already said too much.

"What did you see," I insisted. "And who did you see it with?"

"Nothing!" Peter shouted. "Jesus told us not to tell anyone!"

As Peter yelled these things James walked out on the front porch. Jesus was one of Jesus' two brothers. The other was John. "Jesus told you not to tell what?"

"Nothing, James!" Peter exclaimed.

James walked right up to Peter. "No really, what?"Peter didn't yell or say anything. Instead he whispered something in James' ear. Whatever James heard, he quickly said, "Oh yah, nothing."

"Please tell me the secret," I pleaded. "I swear I won't tell anybody. Now please tell me what you saw."

James sighed and sat down on my right side. "How long has Jesus been saying that he's the son of God?" James asked.

I thought of the earliest time that I remembered Jesus saying something along the lines of _"Me and the Father are one"_. "About a year," I said.

"We knew about it way before then," James said.

Peter sighed. "Promise you won't tell anyone we told you this."

"I promise," I solemnly spoke. Then I eagerly listened.

Peter said, "Jesus took John and us on the top of the mountain. When we got there, lightning flashed, even though it was day. All of Jesus' clothes turned white."

Peter and James exchanged glanced. Their eyes were watering. I asked, "When did this happen?"

"About a year into the ministry," James said. He quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "But that wasn't the amazing part. The amazing part was that Jesus flew up in the air and two people appeared at his side!"

"Who?" I asked on the edge of my seat.

"Moses and Elijah," Peter whispered. As the two of them recalled the miracle they began to weep. Their faces had shaken, haunted looks.

"And…..and then," James tried to cry out as the tears became too great for him to speak. "We……we……._we_ _heard God's voice."_

I was shocked. "What did God say?"

The two apostles failed to hold back their tears as they chanted in unison, _"This is my Son, the Beloved; with him I am well pleased; listen to him!" _

I leaned back in my chair. Their weeping died down as James and Peter slowly returned to their normal state. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" I asked.

Peter shook his head. "Jesus told us not to tell anyone until the Son of Man rose from the dead. Whatever that means."

James said, "What it means, Jesus didn't want us to tell people who he was yet. He wasn't ready to come out of his shell yet, if you will."

"Why did he choose to take you up to the mountain?" I asked Peter.

"I don't know," he answered. "I'm still trying to figure it out."

"_So am I ," _I whisperedas I took my plate of half-eaten food and when back into the house. I wasn't hungry anymore. Dropping it on the kitchen counter I went back into my room.

Sitting down on my bed I contemplated what I had just been told. Jesus told unto three apostles his greatest secret, and I wasn't one of them. Long before Jesus told the world who he was, he had inclusive revelation, and I didn't have an invitation. Peter, James, and John got to have to all plainly spoken to them by God himself while I had been struggling with my faith.

Jesus thought of them before he thought of me, even though I had been right beside him helping him along his whole ministry. James and John I could handle. It was no surprise to me that Jesus' immediate family was in his inner circle. But Peter was just like me, and Jesus preferred him over me. It dawned on me that within our close-knit group of followers, Jesus had an inner circle of people whom he trusted more than the rest, and I was not one of them.


	11. Mary's Affection

Chapter Eleven: Mary's Affection

On Wednesday morning Jesus announced that we would all have breakfast together in Martha's kitchen. Usually we just got a biscuit an a drive-thru before heading out for the day, so we were all surprised to find a huge breakfast waiting for us on the dinning-room table. Huge portions of toast, eggs, bacon, pan-cakes, hash-browns, and juice were lined up across the table.

My mouth watered at the sight of it all. I asked Jesus, "Did you prepare this?"

"I didn't," Jesus said.

We looked at out hostess Martha. "Don't look at me. I didn't make it," she said. "I don't know who did."

"This look too organized for any man to prepare," Jesus laughed. "So naturally a woman made it."

"I didn't," Mary his mother said.

Jesus walked over to the other Mary. "Mary, have you prepared this delicious breakfast to nourish us this morning?"

She smiled the way people do when their embarrassed. "I did."

"Why?"

"I…….just felt like it."

Jesus looked deep into her eyes and spoke in low voice, "Thank you." He examined the fresh meal. "This looks truly wonderful. Shame that it will be gone in a few minutes. Well, let us all eat en enjoy!"

I eagerly fixed myself a plate of eggs and bacon and sat on Jesus' left side. I made a point to do this in hope that he would notice that I fully devoted to him. However, Jesus didn't look my way or speak to me any. He was concentrating all of his attention to Mary who was sitting on his right.

They sat there talking to one another. Mary had Jesus' full attention. _I doubt she knows how lucky she is, _I thought bitterly. The food was delicious, but my frustration blinded my taste buds. With every bite I thought of how low of status was in Jesus' inner circle. Mary was at the top all because she made him breakfast.

After the meal Jesus told us all to return thanks to Mary by cleaning up the kitchen. We set to work clearing the table and loading the dishwasher. I noticed Jesus and Mary quietly walking off into the quest room that Mary was staying in.

Curiosity getting the best of me, I crept up to the door hanging ajar and peered through the crack. Mary pulled a white package out from under her bed and presented it to Jesus. He took it and unraveled it to reveal that it was a white jacket.

Mary explained, "It's getting pretty chilly outside, being fall and all. And you're always wearing those short sleeve tee-shirts. I just thought…." Mary stopped there.

Jesus examined his gift. On the back of the jacket _Yeshua _was printed in green letters. "You had in made out to me in Hebrew." I saw his eyes leap with delight as he tried it on. It was a perfect fit.

Mary blushed. "Mary, you have shown me greater love than any of my other disciples." Jesus embraced her and kissed her on the forehead.

I quickly ran back to the kitchen and acted as if I was helping out. In a minute Jesus and Mary came in. I looked up at Jesus and acted as if I hadn't been eavesdropping. "Where'd you get the jacket?" I asked.

"A gift from Mary," he answered. I couldn't tell from his tone whether he knew that I had listening in or not.

"Really?" I circled around him. "She even got your Hebrew name on it. Would you say that Mary has upheld your teaching well?"

"Yes I would," Jesus said. "Why do you ask?"

I ignored Jesus but asked Mary my own. "How much did it cost to present the Messiah with your present?"

Jesus snapped, "Judas!" Everyone in the kitchen ceased working and stared at me.

"Don't get me wrong!" I shouted quickly. "I only want to know."

"Err……..fifty dollars," Mary uncomfortably muttered.

"Fifty dollars," I repeated. All this time my jealousy had been building up inside of me like a volcano. It was finally time to explode. I said coolly, "It doesn't sound to me like you're upholding Jesus' teaching very well. You could have given that fifty dollars to the poor." I stared deep into Jesus eyes. "I'm sure you'll agree with me that people who are starving mean more than your comfort."

I expected Jesus to go off like a rocket. Instead he spoke firmly, "Don't be a fool Judas. You will always have the poor on earth, but you won't have me on earth for much longer."

My anger reached its peak at this death prediction. "If you're not going to be on earth for much longer, then you don't need an expensive coat, now do you?"

Everyone would have gasped if they were less shocked. Instead the room was so quiet that one could hear a pin drop. For a couple of seconds Jesus and I firmly stood our ground starring at each other.

I was the one who eventually the stare. I stormed strait past Jesus and Mary. I went out the front door and walked down the neighborhood sidewalk. I didn't know where I was going, but it felt refreshing to have the fresh air brush against my skin.


	12. Rebel VS Rabbi

Chapter Twelve: Rebel VS Rabbi

Although I didn't want to admit it, I knew that once I cooled off I would regret making an ass out of myself in front of everybody. At the current moment I was sick of Jesus. I was tired of constantly contemplating his identity, purpose, and relationship with God. I needed some time without him on my mind. But where could I go where I wouldn't be bombarded by images of the Messiah?

Knowing that Jesus could be going just about anywhere today, I went to the one place that I knew he would be: A bar. I wasn't much of a drinker, but I wasn't afraid of alcohol either. Finding the Abaddon Tavern a couple of blocks from Martha's house, I walked inside and ordered a drink. I sat in the dark damp deep in thought for I don't know how long. Making an effort to keep God off my mind, my thoughts drifted from one thing to another.

As I took a sip I heard some ruckus behind me. I spun around and saw several men yelling at the bar tender to switch the TV to Channel Seven. I looked up at the screen and saw a football game playing on it. Keeping his customers' requests, the bartender switched it to what I assumed was Channel Two, and saw an all too familiar face.

The Jerusalem News was shooting live footage of Jesus give some sermon inside of the Great Temple. The stalls and stands that Jesus had turned over when we were personally there were nowhere in sight. They were replaced by the crowds that had flocked to hear the son of God speak.

_You're just everywhere, aren't you, Jesus? _I wondered bitterly.

On the screen Jesus was busy talking his usual shtick about loving your neighbor and praising God. But then something unexpected happened. Caiaphas had his head held high as he briskly made his way to Jesus.

"By whose authority are you acting like this?" he spat. "Who gave you this authority?"

Jesus calmly answered, "Answer me this question and then I'll answer yours: Were the baptisms of my cousin John created by God or were they created by man?"

Caiaphas thought for a moment and then answered, "I don't know."

"Then neither will I tell you be whose authority I act."

Everyone in the bar as well as the Great Temple was silent as these two religious leaders spared it out once again. Seeing how Jesus answered his last question, Caiaphas asked another.

"Should we pay taxes to the Roman emperor?"

I immediately recognized this as a trick question. If Jesus said "Yes" then he would be betraying his own people who thought him to be their king. If he said "No" then he would be making himself an enemy of the most powerful civilization on earth.

"Show me a denarius," Jesus commanded. When Caiaphas handed him a coin he asked, "Whose face is on it?"

"Caesar's," the priest answered.

"Then give what is Caesar's to Caesar, but give what belongs to God to God."

_Good answer, _I thought. It was a trick answer for a trick question.

Jesus rose his voice and yell, "Most of you Pharisees are hypocrites!"

Several of the people in the bar gasped at this claim. Jesus had criticized them before, but this was the boldest thing that he had ever uttered.

"You Pharisees break your backs to convert others to your way of thinking, and you make them twice as fit for Hell, as you are yourself!"

_Are you crazy, Jesus? _I thought in shock. _Caiaphas could have you killed!_

Even though the dark TV screen, I could see Caiaphas' pupils triple in size. His mouth hung open. The people in the bar were whispering to each other.

_"Did Jesus just say that he was going to Hell?"_

_"I think so….."_

The TV showed a close up on Jesus' face. "You are so caught up in your own position that you are betraying God and the Son of Man! You are a blind fool!"

Having apparently said all that he had to say, Jesus ran outside. Caiaphas motioned for the cameraman to film him and began speaking to the people at the Great Temple. "I know that he has claimed to be the Messiah and even the son of God, but we have full proof that this Jesus is nothing but a petty charlatan from Nazareth!"

Someone from the crowd spoke up. "If he isn't God, then where does he get his power to perform miracles?"

Quick on his feet, Caiaphas said, "He has the help of demons. Jesus is one of the greatest threats to us Jews. Don't listen to him, and don't let him move you! His mother was a whore who went to bed with carpenters and sinners!"

Caiaphas went on to say many horrible things in attempt to defame Jesus. I shook my head as I got up and left the bar. In my absence, the battle between Jesus and Caiaphas had reached a new level. Jesus was now talking dirty of Caiaphas and his associates. By now he had realized that he could be as blunt as he wanted, for his followers wouldn't let anything happen to him. Caiaphas could only retaliate by manufacturing lies involving Satan and demons.

Only time would tell how this battle would play out. I realized that there was nowhere that I could go where I could forget-even temporarily-about Jesus. Whether he was God or man, he had taken the world by storm.


	13. The Zealot Riot

Chapter Thirteen: The Zealot Riot

I walked down the busy city sidewalk. The fear that I had of Jesus a few days ago was returning. Recalling that only yesterday that I believed him to be the son of God, I wondered if I really had sufficient reason to believe this. I remembered that what had convinced me of his divinity was the fact that he had given us the power to heal people with him. Now I wasn't so sure if this was enough proof.

This brought up a huge question that only I could answer. _What sign would I accept as definite proof of Jesus' divinity? _For the whole world, Jesus' miracles were more than what they needed. I've already explained why miracles didn't work for me. But I didn't know what would, and I felt the need to address it.

After a few minutes of thinking I came to the conclusion that if Jesus were truly the son of God then he should have infinite wisdom and power. _God is limitless, so his son must be also. _I needed to know if Jesus had any limitations to his abilities. Any of them would be definite proof that he wasn't divine. _But then what could Jesus do that would prove that he could do anything? _Seeing the future was one of them. I was a firm believer that only God knew the final course of events.

I recalled then that Jesus had already given many prophesies. But these were vague predictions about the future that any intelligent person could guess. I needed Jesus to give a definite prophesy that would come true in my lifetime. Then I could know for sure that Jesus truly was who he claimed to be.

Just as I internally sorted this out I heard some screaming in the street. Then came gunshots. I spun around and found people sprinting away from the road. There were about thirty people in the street causing the chaos. Some of them were firing their pistol and riffles in the air. Some were yelling passages from scripture. Others had picket signs with messages such as "Get Rome Out!" or "Free Zion!"

I knew at once who these fanatics were: Zealots. Thinking of themselves as freedom fights in an occupied country, they were terrorists to both the Romans and Jews alike. Their life mission was to drive the Romans out Israel. They went about it by murdering Roman officers and having tantrums in the streets.

And now I was getting to see one up close. Seeing them on TV all the time, I knew that it was only a matter of minutes before fully armored Roman centurions came running in to fill each Zealot up with hot lead.

All of the innocent bystanders had already cleared the area. Out of foolish curiosity I crouched down and watched with curiosity. The zealots took no notice of me, but swore curses against Caesar and the Roman Empire as they fired shots in the air.

Then they did something that I didn't expect. One of them pulled out a huge banner from his backpack. With the other zealots' help he unfolded it. When I saw what was on it my mouth fell open in shock. Jesus' face was magnified and printed on it. Beside his face was a picture of a stature of Athena behind a red circle with a slash through it. There was a caption underneath in bright red letters that read "The Messiah has come!"

Bright purple APCs came speeding down the streets. The fully armored centurions jumped off and immediately began firing at the zealots. Half of the freedom fighters flopped down on the ground in a shower of their own blood. The remainder of them fought back as best they could.

The zealots' guns had little effect on the Romans. They were attired head to foot in bullet-proof armor. I could hear the bullets deflect off of them. The centurions mercilessly sent multiple rounds into each zealot. The Romans were silent as they did their grim work, but their enemies howled battle cries and curses. Many of what the zealots shouted were unrecognizable under the sound of gun fire, but what thing that they yelled caught my ear.

_"In the name of Jesus of Nazareth!" _

Just as my mind processed this phrase, the last zealot had been sent to the afterlife. The Romans climbed back into their APCs and drove off, leaving the remains of the massacre. Within two minutes the entire street had been soaked in blood. The bodies of the fanatics littered the road.

As I looked upon this grizzly mess my eyes spied the banner of Jesus. It had been the pride of the zealots, but now it was unrecognizable. The banner had been shot up completely and was now soaking up the blood of its creators.

_"Jesus,"_ my voice trembled with fear. _"You're doing more harm than good."_

I knew that Jesus would be furious when he heard that the zealots had once again used him to justify their actions. Just then it dawned on me that although Jesus preached a message of love forgiveness, he had no control how people interpreted and acted out his words. If he truly was the son of God, then surly he could prevent people from perverting it so.

I feared that the zealots wouldn't be the only ones to screw up Jesus' teachings. _Who else will hear Jesus' words and act violently? What future catastrophes will emerge from the fanatical followers of Jesus?_

I was sick of keeping my thoughts internal. I needed to vent them out to someone. But who could I talk to. The other disciples followed Jesus blindly. I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually held a gun to someone's head in his name. Talking to Jesus himself was out of the question. He was oblivious to the events that were spinning out of control, and powerless to stop them.

I needed to find someone who had a mind not unlike myself and who was cynical of Jesus. I soon knew the man who I should go pay a visit to……..

……….Caiaphas.


	14. The Offer

Chapter Fourteen: The Offer

My trek to the Great Temple seemed shorter than it did last time I went. I walked inside and, expecting to be surrounded by the usual chaos that was associated with this place, found myself in a deserted sanctuary. I was one of two people in the Great Temple. The other was a janitor mopping in the far corner. Just as I previously saw on the TV, there were no stalls or tables set up.

I approached the janitor and tried to sound as confident as I could when I told him, "Is the High Pharisee Caiaphas here today?"

"Yah he's here," the janitor said without even slowing down from his work.

A voice behind me asked, "Can I help you?"

I spun around and found a tall man peering at it. He was tall and gawky. His pale skin was hairless. Among white priest robes with gold ornaments, this man also wore a name tag that said _Annas Ben Seth_. I knew that this man was second in command to Caiaphas.

"I need to speak with Lord Caiaphas on a very important matter," I said as I bowed slightly.

"Do you have an appointment?" he asked.

"Errr……no," I admitted.

"Who are you?" Annas asked.

"Judas Iscariot," I answered. He didn't reply, but simply stared at me. Feeling the need to break the silence I said, "I am an apostle of Jesus of Nazareth."

There was a flash of anger in Annas' eyes. "Why are you here," he growled.

"I'm not here to insult you like Jesus has," I assured him. "I have a lot of questions that only ordained priests can answer."

Annas smiled. "Follow me." I was led upstairs to a long hallway. At the far end was a door with a gold plate that read _Joseph Caiaphas. _"Wait here," he told me. He left me and went inside. A few minutes later he came out and motioned for me to walk in.

The High Pharisee was seated at his desk. Papers were neatly stacked on it. A closed laptop sat directly in front of Caiaphas. On the wall behind him there were various degrees and awards that he had acquired over the years.

Caiaphas stood up and shook my hand. His black hair and beard had hints of grey in it. His robes and jewelry were as magnificent, if not more, as Annas' were. After I was seated Caiaphas asked, "So what brings you to me?"

I had already thought about what I wanted to say. "It's Jesus, Lord Caiaphas. I've been following him faithfully for three years, but now he's beginning to scare me."

"What exactly is scaring you?" Caiaphas asked.

I sighed. "I saw the zealot riot in person. It makes me nervous to know that his message is being taken that way. I think that Jesus is a bit full of himself. He thinks he can do anything, like when he turned over the tables here a few days ago. The whole world believes him when he says that he's God, or the son of God, or whatever."

"Do you believe that he's the son of God?" Caiaphas asked.

I shook my head. "No, I don't think he's God."

"But he has claimed to be the Messiah for a long time."

"I never minded that. I even believed him sometimes." I reminisced on the day that Jesus and I met. "I have thought him to be more than a man ever since I became his disciple."

Caiaphas held an indifferent expression. "Do you think that he's the Messiah now?"

"He may be more than a man, but he's not a king," I said.

The High Pharisee opened the drawer on his desk and pulled out a folder. "So in other words, you're not one of his disciples anymore."

Caiaphas' words brought dawn to be clouded night. I muttered, "You're right. I guess I'm not one of his followers anymore." Even though I was currently an unbeliever, that realization made me gloomy.

Caiaphas passed the folder to me. I opened it and saw several sheets of paper that listed a long line of criminal activities charged against Jesus.

"Do you disagree with any of them?" Caiaphas asked.

I read a few of them. Heresy, vandalism, and incitation were only a few of Jesus' reported crimes. "No," I said. "It's all true. I've seen him do all of these things."

Tears began rolling down my face. I tried to wipe them away, but they just kept coming. "What am I to do?" I begged him to answer. "I hate it that Jesus is a criminal. He's my friend."

"He's your friend?" Caiaphas asked as he took back his folder. "How many friends do you have that say they're the son of God to increase their political status so they can screw up society?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "That's why I came here. I like him, but I can't keep following him. I need guidance. What should I do?"

"You feel lost, don't do?" Caiaphas asked.

I nodded as my crying continued.

"Don't be afraid, you have come to me." The Pharisee smiled, and so did I. My tears ceased. "Here is the cold, sad truth. Jesus, your friend, needs to be arrested."

His words broke my heart, but I nodded.

Caiaphas' voice lowered as leaned close to me. "I need you to tell me where he is staying."

I didn't catch on. "Why?"

"So we can arrest him."

My heart jumped a few beats. In that little room, the fate of Jesus was in my hands. My initial reaction was fear for Jesus. I needed to warn him of what could happen to him. I stood up quickly and snapped, "I shouldn't be here!"

"Hear me out!" Caiaphas shouted as he stood up and ran over to me. "I can make this worth your while."

He nodded to Annas, who I realized had been standing behind me the whole time. Annas pulled a small key out of his robes and unlocked a safe that was cut into the wall. Inside were bundles of cash in various amounts.

"You're bribing me to turn in Jesus! I don't need your money?" I asked

"I told you we could make it worth your while," Caiaphas reminded me.

Even though I was astounded and disgusted, I was also curious to know how much they would pay to have Jesus in their hands. "How much will you give me to betray him?"

"Six hundred dollars should be enough," Caiaphas said.

Annas silently took that amount out of the safe and offered it to me. I stormed out of the office and shouted, "I don't need you damn blood money!"

_That's what I get for seeking guidance from Jesus' haters, _I thought.

I heard Annas call behind me, "Just wait a minute! Think of all the things you could do with this money."

I spun around. "Like what?" I fully expected the answer to be something along the lines of "Buy a new TV" or "Make a payment on a house".

Instead Annas answered, "You could give it to any charity of your choosing."

Caiaphas walked to me and said, "We know that you're reluctant to turn in your friend. That's why we're paying you handsomely for your troubles. Think now. You don't seem to be the kind of guy who gives into petty emotions. What is the smart thing to do? You're already agreed that Jesus is a criminal. Even if you don't think that is enough to tell us his whereabouts, look at this money. You could sure use it to feed a lot of starving people."

He handed me the blood money. _Six hundred could really pave over a lot of guilt, _I thought. _If the price is right, anyone can justify any crime. I don't want to be the one to hand Jesus over, but I can do a lot of good things with that money._

"Tell you what," Caiaphas offered. "Take the money and leave. Go back to Jesus. And if you feel good about it, and find a good opportunity, come back to us. Do what you think if right. Just take my gift.

I was carful as I pondered over Caiaphas' offered. I took the free money, knowing full well that it wasn't free. "From now on I will look out for an opportunity to betray him."

With those words I left the Great Temple and walked back to Martha's house. In truth, I didn't know whether I would betray Jesus or not. One thing I did know was that by going to the Pharisees, I had opened a door that I wished had remained shut.


	15. The Martyr

Chapter Fifteen: The Martyr

My return to Martha's house was every bit as awkward as I imagined it would be. I walked through the front door and found everyone working to prepare for Passover, the most sacred of Jewish holidays. Mary, Martha, and the wives of the married disciples were cleaning up the house. Some of the disciples were in the kitchen preparing various foods that would make up the Seder. Jesus and Peter were vacuuming the living room.

When every noticed my presence all work ceased. With all eyes upon me, that whole house was so quiet that I could have heard a pin drop. My morning actions hadn't gone forgotten.

"Judas," Peter asked sharply, "where have you been?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Jesus asked Peter. "He's been helping us prepare for the Passover."

"Errr……yah," I muttered sheepishly.

"Well come, be part of the group," Jesus invited. He was speaking to me as if he were indifferent to my past insults. In fact, I recognized his words as the same words that he spoke the day I became an apostle.

"Can you help Peter finish cleaning the living room? I need to see how the food's coming." I nodded, and Jesus left Peter and I. _You have no idea that your life is in my hands, do you Jesus? _

As soon as Peter was sure that Jesus was out of earshot he hissed, "No really, where have you been?"

"It's just as Jesus said," I spoke coolly. "I've been out preparing for Passover." We worked silently, but efficiently. As soon as the living room was prepared for Passover I retreated to the guest room. I had no desire to "be part of the group."

Lying down on the bed, I felt the pack on money in my back pocket. I was tempted to take it out and examine it, but I didn't want to have to deliver an explanation if I was walked in on. It was a good thing too, for Jesus stepped into the room three minutes later.

"Long day?" he asked as he sat down on his bed.

"Long enough," I muttered. Jesus was the last person who I cared to talk to.

His voice was now grim and weak. It was as if Jesus was just as troubled as I was. "Judas, do you remember the day we came here?"

"It was only a few days ago," I snapped impatiently. "Of course I remember."

"It was only a few days ago, but many things have changed since then. Our spirits used to be so close to each other, but I can see now that they are soaring away from each other. Yours is conflicted and lost."

_More guru talk from the Godson. _I was really getting tired of it. _This is the exact reason I went to Caiaphas._

As if Jesus was reading my thoughts, Jesus said, "Judas, the people who you chose to take guidance today will influence the decisions you make tomorrow."

I figured that saying had truth in it, but it startled me that Jesus said that. _Does he know what I was really doing today? Does he know that I have blood money in my pocket? _I felt my muscles tighten and sweat drip down my forehead.

Jesus' voice was firm. "Judas, I can only help you if you let me. Now answer me this: Is there anything that you want to talk to me about or ask me?"

I wanted to scream out, _Stop trying to help me, Yeshua! I'm not one of your blind followers that can't think for themselves! I've got a brain, too! Just because you're everyone's favorite icon doesn't mean you're mine! _

I held those words out, but instead asked a question that had been on my mind for a while. "Jesus, what is this about you dying? I've been hearing rumors that you are going to kick the bucket this week. Are you going to commit suicide or something? What is it?"

Jesus was taken aback, as if this was the last thing he expected to hear. "I've talked about it plenty of times," he said in a lowered voice. "Where were you when I explained it?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. When did you talk about it?"

"The morning before we came into Jerusalem was the last time I discussed it with everyone."

"The morning before we came here I was packing the bags getting ready for our journey."

Jesus nodded. He opened his bedside drawer and pulled out his copy of the Torah. "Open to Genesis 3:15."

I took the Torah and opened to the verse. It read, "_I will put animosity between you and the woman, and between your descendant and her descendant; he will bruise your head, and you will bruise his heel._"

I closed the Torah and asked, "What do that verse mean?"

Jesus laid his hand on my shoulder. His eyes illuminated a look of both great hope and grief. Then came the words, "I have to executed, Judas. I have to die, and I have to die willingly."

At first I thought he was joking, but his voice hinted no jest. "Why?" I asked.

"To end Satan's rule over the world," Jesus said. I could tell that he was terrified of what he spoke, yet he tried to keep calm as he explained it to me. "You have heard that Hell was created for Satan and his angels. They stop at nothing to make humanity fall with them in the Abyss. They are the origin of sin. Their disease has spread to the souls of mankind. I've said before that God demands justice for every wicked deed done. The debt of humanity is so great that no mortal can ever pay it. Even if every human spend a million years in Hell the evil in their souls wouldn't be destroyed."

I scoffed, "I don't see what this has to do with you."

"Everything! I am salvation. Do you know what that means, Judas?"

"No."

Jesus spoke solemnly and patiently. "I am the Messiah. I'm the only human who has a clean slate. I owe nothing to God. Never have I fallen into Satan's traps. It is up to me to set everyone else free. I have to take the punishment for their sins. It is my destiny to fulfill the prophesies and die. I have to be executed, and I have to be executed willingly. I'm the lamb!"

Even though I didn't believe a word of what he said, my heart went out to Jesus. I wasn't one of his faithful apostles anymore, but I still cared deeply for my old friend.

_Oh, dear Jesus! You've been proclaiming your own divinity for so long that it's all gone to your head! Like many brilliant minds before you, you've fallen into the trap of insanity!_

"Jesus," I quivered. "Promiseme that you won't go looking for an opportunity to meet death."

"I don't need to," he sighed. "Events are unfolding. Soon everything will come to a head. God is in control of all of these events, and he is arranging it."

I was painfully reminded of the money in my pocket and how close I came to make Jesus' death wish come true. I tried to forget about it as I shouted, "Why! You say you're God's son! Doesn't he love you?"

"Enough to use me as his instrument to save the world. I wasn't born to live the life of a mortal man. This is the mission I was born for."

"And you plan to go through with it?" I asked. By now I was trying to place just how crazy Jesus was. "Aren't you afraid?"

"Yes," he admitted. He tried to wipe them away before I saw them, but his tears were clearly visible. "I remember the day I learned I had to do this. I tried to put it out of my mind until the day came. But it's finally here after all these years.

"I've had nightmares of my own execution all my life. I wake up sweating and crying. I'm half glad that it was just a dream, but mortified that the worst is yet to come. I've prayed and prayed. There is no other way. I have to follow God's plan."

"No you don't," I reasoned. "Jesus, listen to me. You don't have to be executed. If you don't want to go through this, you don't have to. Not even God can force you to die. Making a martyr of yourself won't spread your message."

"God isn't forcing me to do this, but I know I have to. This goes beyond my ministry. There is a connection that was lost that I need to restore. The connection between God and humanity was lost when mankind sinned for the first time. I'm bringing mankind and God back together. They'll never be together unless I do this."

I realized now that no logic I spoke could return Jesus to his senses. I knew from personal experience that you can't reason with crazy people. "So when's your big day?"

"Friday."

Counting the remainder of today, Jesus had two days left as a free man. Then I recalled that this Friday was Passover.

"I won't let anything happen to you," I stammered. "I don't care what you think. You're not going to die!"

Jesus laughed. Not the kind you laugh when you find something funny. The laugh you laugh when you're tired of crying. "Don't try to fight it Judas. Nothing can stop God's plan. I haven't come to do my own will, but God's will. If I really wanted to, I could send twelve legions of angels to protect me. But all of these things must happen to fulfill what the prophets have written."

Jesus had clearly thought his position though. "So what I'm I supposed to do when I see you get taken in?"

"I'm glad you asked," Jesus said. "Satan is at work here. He is using my death as an opportunity to lead many people astray. Those caught up in the politics that will lead to my execution that they will miss my gift of salvation. Don't let yourself be one of them."

What could I say to the multitudes of speeches that Jesus was giving me? At least now I knew what he'd been telling everyone all along. The only word I said after all of this was, "Okay."

Peter shuffled into the room. He yawned, "It's been a long day. I'm ready to hit the hay."

"Same here," Jesus said. "We've all got a big day tomorrow."

Jesus led us in one of his usual generic prayers. He praised God, asked him to forgive every sinner, and for protection against evil. Then we all climbed into our beds. Peter and Jesus fell off to sleep rather quickly. I kept wide awake deep into the night. Jesus' death haunted my thoughts, even when I finally drifted off into the land of dreams.


	16. Leaving the Group

Chapter Sixteen: Leaving the Group

I awoke the next morning with the most awful feeling I ever woke up with. My stomach ached with the dreadful emotions that flooded my brain. I miserably thought, _I'm not going to have a good day when the first feeling I feel is this. _I had no idea how right I was.

The daylight shone all too bright onto my troubled head. A cheerful blue jay hummed an annoying tune outside. I grabbed my cell phone off of the bedside table to check the time.

_11:00_

I had slept through half of the morning. That accounted for the brightness of the sun. Grumbling as I forced myself out of bed, I wondered what the others were up to. My question was soon answered. Peter opened the door and said, "Judas, the master is speaking in the living room. He wants you there."

I resented Jesus referred to as _master, _but all I did was nod and put some clothes on. Martha's lining room was packed with the whole company. Jesus sat in the center. _Sermon time,_ I said to myself.

Jesus' voice was low and serious. "Passover is upon us," he began. "And my mission on Earth is almost through. There is one last thing I have to accomplish before I'm done. God is about to be glorified through me. The connection that was once lost is about to be restored. Very soon, you all will know God as I know him.

"I am about to return to my kingdom so that I can prepare it for you're coming. But before I can go to Heaven, I must suffer through Hell." Jesus quickly wiped the tears from his eyes. "I will be taken from you all very shortly. It is true, I am going to be handed over to the authorities to be killed. Many things will happen that you won't understand. But do not lose faith."

The came the most startling worlds that I ever heard Jesus speak. "I will return after my death. I will be resurrected. When I die, I will triumph over death, and I will lose all restraints that the material world places on humanity. I will have infinite power over space and time."

I said to myself, _I can't stand this self-indulgent nonsense! _Silently and swiftly, I left the living room and stepped onto the front porch. I sat down in one of the chairs and felt the money that was in my back pocket. I briefly reminisced on the idea that I could put an end to Jesus' movement until I whispered, "No, I won't be the one to turn Jesus in. I won't stoop so low!"

But then I reminded myself of how low Jesus himself was going. Jesus was turning himself into a religious icon, and he knew it. I had been around Jesus long enough to know that he wasn't stupid.

Then I came to realization that I had been dreading. _Jesus isn't making any mistakes. He knows exactly what's going on here! Jesus' mission all this time was to be become larger than life……at any cost! He's setting the world on fire with his new cult…..and he's enjoying it! Jesus wants people to shout, fight, and die for him!_

First came fear for the people, then came anger at Jesus. I didn't want to betray him, but perhaps it was my duty to the world to stop Jesus' sickness from infecting the world. But then again, maybe I wouldn't have to do anything for Jesus to be dealt with. Caiaphas was already trying to figure out a way to arrest him without resistance from his followers. _It will only be a matter of time before they take Jesus in without my help._

Just as I thought these things Jesus came out onto the front porch and sat down it the chair beside me. "You left us, Judas. Don't the words I say have any value to you anymore?"

I stared deep into the eyes of the man I once considered to be my best friends. My words were cold and bitter. "No, they don't."

"Judas, listen to me," he spoke urgently. "You're falling into the trap that I've warned you about. You going into a place that I can't save you from."

I told him, "The whole world is in your cult but me. I see right through you. You're not the son of God! You're not the Messiah! Not mine, anyway."

"Careful what you say!" Jesus said. _I'll give him one thing: He is sure good at pretending to have genuine care for me. _"Don't let your anger control your tongue. And control your pride. It is leading you away."

"From what?" I asked. "You?" My anger built up and rocked my brain. I searched for the most hateful thing I could say. "Well so be it then! I don't need your damn mystic theology to govern my life!"

"Judas!" Jesus cried. "Can't you hear the words you say? A week ago you would be mortified to speak such blasphemy! But you have let Satan infect you!"

"I thought we already agreed that your words mean nothing to me anymore," I snapped. "I know you too well now."

"I know _you_ all too well," Jesus responded. "I know about that money in your pocket. I know you went to see Caiaphas."

My heart skipped a beat. "How?"

Jesus didn't answer my question, but said, "I also know that you're considered turning me in to him."

"You're making me do it," I yelled. "Don't talk about me like I'm some immoral villain when you're forcing me in a corner."

"You're looking at things with your own understanding," Jesus said. "That kind of thinking only leads to despair. Judas, when was the last time that you read the Torah?" When I didn't answer he asked another question. "When was the last time you prayed to God alone and on your own? Have you ever stood before God with a bowed head and an open mind? It is the only way for you to hear him! Judas, you haven't let God shelter you in his wing and silence your fears. You're outside of his grace!"

"Oh, really," I was partially speaking truth, but I was partially wanting to hurt Jesus. "I'm not even sure there is a god anymore. "

Tears came down his eyes as he placed his hands on my shoulders. "Judas, you can't be my disciple if you talk like this."

I shook him off of me. "So be it then. I'll pack my bags and get out. I don't know where I'll go, but anywhere's better than behind you." My conscious agreed with my words. "It's official then: I'm out."

I got up and was about to go back inside, but Jesus said, "Judas, you came with us to celebrate Passover. At least stay here until then. Break bread with us one last time, then you can do whatever you want."

It seemed fair enough. "The moment we finish the Seder, I'm leaving. I don't want to talk to you ever again."

"Just promise me one thing," Jesus responded as he got out of his chair. "If you ever speak to God open and honestly, you'll look out for a response. God often uses signs to get his point across rather than plain speaking."

I nodded, and left him.


	17. The Seder

Chapter Seventeen: The Seder

If life had taught me one thing it was that just because you _can _break bread with people you hate, it doesn't mean you should. This Passover meal was the most uncomfortable experience of my life. Here we all were, crammed into two long tables combined together. One of the people sitting there wasn't like the others. Out of the twenty-one sharers of the Seder, only one didn't want to be there. As Jesus led his circus through the annual ceremony, one of his beloved twelve couldn't wait for it to be over.

Following Jewish law, we didn't begin until the sun had completely set. Jesus sat down in the middle of everyone and I took a seat at the very end of the far table. Jesus started the train wreck off by saying, "I can't tell you guys how long I've wanted to share this meal with you before it's my time to suffer. After we eat here we will go to the garden of Gethsemane to pray and await the future. But I am thankful for the opportunity to have a last supper with you all."

The Seder plate was located to Jesus' right. On it were placed the following foods in clockwise order: Lettuce, vegetables, roasted eggs, roasted bones, and nuts and dates. A bowl of salt water was placed near the plate. Three loafs of unleavened bread were in front of the Seder plate on separate dished with napkins covering them.

Jesus said, "This is why we have come to Jerusalem. We have come here to celebrate the most sacred of holy days: Passover. We remember how we used to be slaves in Egypt. As punishment to the Pharaoh for failure to comply, God sent the angel of death to kill every first born male child. Every male first born, from the lowly servants to Pharaoh's own, died that night. Truly I tell you, death knows no limits. The only way for God's elect to be spared the death angel's wrath was to sacrifice an unblemished lamb and sprinkle the blood on their door.

"The eve of Passover is upon us, and tomorrow another sacrifice will be made. The entire human race is unclean sin. An unblemished lamb must once again be killed so that the human race will not face eternal death. The lamb that needs to be sacrificed goes willingly."

My hands which were sitting in my lap curled into fists at Jesus' words. Even though I hated the poison that he spoke, I said nothing. I would be out of there soon enough.

There were also four cups of wine on the table. Each was symbolic of God's relationship with his people. They were the Cup of Deliverance, the Cup of Thanks, the Cup of Redemption, and the Cup of Acceptance. Each one of us drank from the Cup of Deliverance, supposedly remembering how God delivered our ancestors out of slavery in Egypt. Then we drank from the Cup of Thanks while supposedly dwelling on the many blessing that come from God.

After drinking from these two cups Jesus took the loaves unleavened bread and broke then. "This is my body broken for you," he said. "This bread is unrisen, just as I have yet to be. This bead has marks and holes in it, just I soon will have. Whenever you eat this bread from now on, do it in remembrance of me."

The bread was passed around. Each person broke off a peace and ate it. Nobody questioned Jesus about the meaning of his words, or even looked at him funny. A solemn look was on everybody's face as if these things were said over the Seder every year. I took my piece and ate it with disgust.

Jesus held up the Cup of Redemption, which symbolized God's forgiveness of sins. Jesus said, "This wine is my blood, poured out for you. When you drink of this cup, you accept the shedding of my blood as the source your salvation. This cup is open for everyone to drink of until the end of time. When you drink this wine from now on, do so in remembrance of me."

The Cup of Redemption was passed around the entire group. When it came to me I looked deep into the eyes of Jesus. _Is this why you wanted me to stay here until the end of the Seder? _I wanted to ask him. _You wanted to see me play along with you games for just al little while longer?_

I wasn't in the mood to draw any attention to myself, so I lifted the cup to my lips and took a sip. I knew that the wine was strong in flavor, but I tasted nothing. Being the last disciple to drink from it, I handed the cup back to Jesus.

"I will not drink of the fourth cup tonight. When I do drink it, it will be with everyone who has accepted me in the kingdom of my father." He sighed and said sadly, "Very truly I tell you: Tonight one of you will betray me." There were gasps all around the room.

My pupils doubled in size as the room became very hot. _He wouldn't! _I thought in disbelief. _He won't tell everyone that I'm going to turn him in! I haven't even made up my mind to do so! Why would he make it up for me?_

By now everyone was trying to figure out who it was. People were shouting stuff like, _"Who is it?"_ or _"Will it be?"_

Peter was sitting right across from Jesus. He asked, "Lord, will it be me?"

"Peter," Jesus prophesied, "before dawn tomorrow you will deny ever knowing me three times."

"Master, I would never do that," Peter cried.

"I know you will do so," Jesus said. "Keep as bold and as strong as a rock, Peter. Satan wants to crush you into sand and toss you into the wind."

I couldn't keep quiet any longer. Jesus was being everything from a redesigner of traditions to a doomsday prophet. I mockingly asked him, "Lord, will it be me?"

There was a small piece of unleavened bread left on Jesus' plate. Jesus took it and announced, "The person who I hand the piece of bread to will be the one. Jesus got up from his chair and walked over to mine. He offered me the piece and stared solemnly into my eyes.

_Why are you singling me out in front of everyone? _I wanted to yell. But I held back my words since I was in mixed company. I snatched the bread from him and ate it all. _Fine! If you insist, I WILL arrange for your demise!_

"Go and do quickly what you have to do," Jesus whispered.

I got up from my chair and stormed out of the room. I was reminded of how I stormed out of the house yesterday morning. This time was much different though. The minute I left the Seder I was no longer associated with Jesus' movement. I was a disciple no longer, but my own man. Jesus not only knew it, but made it clear what he wanted me to do now that I didn't follow him.

There were many stars in the sky that night. Some of them were steady in the brightness. Others twinkled on and off. I could feel my own star leading me away from the group as I walked outside. I breathed the night air as I shed the identity I had worn for the past years was shed.

Regardless of my thoughts about Jesus, I was uneasy to separate myself from him. I had no one to talk to now. Nobody to share my lonely path with. I was all alone on my walk. Those who were Jesus had each other. Fellowship is priceless. But I had left them now. I don't care what type of family you're leaving. Being all alone is scary.

I got out my cell phone and called the Great Temple. As soon as I got Caiaphas on the other end I said, "It's Judas Iscariot. I've made up my mind about which side of fence I'm on. I'll be at the Great Temple in thirty minutes. Then I'll lead you to Jesus."

The cool voice on the other end said, "See you in thirty, then."

I hung up and made me way to the Great Temple. I wasn't alone now. I had associates in high places. I worked for the High Pharisee Caiaphas. I was defiantly in a group now, but it was a much different one from the one I left.


	18. Betrayal With A Kiss

Chapter Eighteen: Betrayal With A Kiss

I reached the Great Temple sooner than I thought I would. Caiaphas was standing in the outside parking lot with an aura of impatience. Behind him were six temple guards hidden in full black body armor.

As soon as Caiaphas saw me he stormed up to me and hastily asked, "Where is he?"

"In a garden right outside of the city called Jerusalem called Gethsemane," I answered.

Caiaphas spun around to his guards and yelled, "He's in Gethsemane."

The biggest and meanest looking of the bunch spoke in a deep voice, "I've been there many times. I can get there in soon enough." I assumed that he was the captain of the guards.

"So you won't need him then?" Caiaphas asked, pointing to me as he said _him_.

"No, I'll need him," the captain said. "I've never seen this Nazarene in person. I'll need the spy to identify him for me."

"I'm not a spy," I spoke out. "Jesus knows that I've left his movement because I don't agree with him anymore." I was about to say _He knows I'm here too,_ but I figured it would be best to leave that detail out.

My words were ignored. "Get in the car," Caiaphas commanded. I looked beside the thirteen guards and saw two police cars.

The captain grabbed me and led me to the front passenger seat of one of the two cars. "You'll ride with me."

Three soldiers jumped in the back seats while the others got in the other car. Both vehicles simultaneously pulled out of the parking lot and flew down the road that led to Gethsemane. The street was deserted. Anyone who might be out on that night was inside their house celebrating the Passover with their family.

There was grim silence within the car I sat in. Nobody spoke a word, but stared straight ahead. The full moon and the twinkling stars provided little light in the midst of the dark night. Smothered in silence and darkness it finally hit me.

I had become that which I swore to protect Jesus from.

I remembered that day Jesus gave his so-called Sermon on the Mount. Not everyone was inspired by his words. The authorities were nearby keeping a close eye on Jesus as he proclaimed his radical message. I kept a close eye on them in case they tried anything. Jesus' back used to have my protection. Now I was assisting in his arrest.

On the day I became a disciple I told Jesus that I would stick with him to the end. Now I was preparing his end. I cursed myself for going back on my word.

_Don't curse yourself! _A voice deep inside my soul said. _Curse Jesus. He's giving you no choice. You tried to talk to him. You tried to help him see that trouble he was causing. You tired every last resort before coming to this. _

That seemed to ease the pain. I asked that Captain, "When did you first realize that Jesus was a problem?"

"The day he first opened his mouth," was the reply.

I knew that this was all that the Captain meant to say but I asked, "Did you ever consider for even a brief moment that he could be the son of God?"

"Hell no!" the Captain sneered as if it was the most absurd question in the world. "Did you?"

"Yes, actually," I admitted. "The thing that convinced me that he wasn't was that his message was getting perverted."

"His message _is _perverted," the Captain said.

I knew that nobody cared to hear my story. As far as they were concerned I was the traitor who was about to do Jesus in. I tried to provoke question from them.

"I'm utterly convinced that Jesus isn't divine. However, there is one thing that Jesus could do that would convince me that he is."

Hopeful that someone would ask what it was, a full minute passed and nobody asked. I told them anyway.

"If Jesus could predict the future, then I believe. I don't mean some vague prophesy either. I mean something exact and for real."

There was no response from anyone in that tiny car. Everyone looked ahead with black faces as if they hadn't heard me. It might as well have been that I hadn't spoken. I then understood why I was so talkative.

I hungered for a family to replace that which I had left. These soldiers with a dark mission were little substitute for the fellowship of apostles.

For the first time the Captain spoke on his own accord. "We're near Gethsemane now. I know that Jesus has twelve devout male followers. Between thirteen men I will have trouble identifying one. You will identify Jesus by kissing him."

Kisses were much more than a symbol of romance to the children of Israel. Whenever you had a guest over at your house, you would great them with a kiss. Kisses were symbols of protection. The kiss I was about to give would mean something entirely different.

"Do you fully understand completely," the Captain asked.

I closed my eyes and tried to block out my grief. "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him."

The car pulled off of the paved road and drove down a gravel path surrounded on either side by olive trees. We were in Gethsemane. The Captain stopped the car and ordered everyone out. I got out and looked around the garden. Through the darkness of the night I could only make out the shrubs, herbs, and trees that were growing around me.

"Alright," the Captain whispered, "where is he?"

I spun around all directions. The rows of trees seemed to be endless. I couldn't make out any sign of Jesus' presence. I took a few steps and nearly fell to the ground when I lost my footing. I realized that the police cars on a hill. I peered down at the foot and saw the faint shadows of movement in the distance.

"_Follow me_," I whispered to the guards. I led them down the hill. As I approached the bottom I recognized the shapes that had been hidden in darkness. The disciples were all spread out and fast asleep on the soft grass. Jesus was sitting among them with his hands to his face.

As soon as he saw us coming he jumped and howled at the dreamers, "Get up! It's time for the Son of Man to be betrayed into the hands of sinners! See, my betrayer is here!"

I stood still. Although it was too dark to see, I could tell from the range of his voice that he had been weeping. His disciples lifted their heads, shocked at Jesus' statement. When they saw me with the soldiers they jumped to their feet.

Jesus called to me, "Friend, do what you're here to do." He stood ten paces away.

I started walking again. _You call me both your friend and your traitor._

I was closer to Jesus. _I remember when I really was your friend._

I now stood right in front of him. Our eyes met in one brief instant. Countless tears flew down that resembled a brook of water._ I never thought I would ever have to do this._

I swiftly placed my hands on his shoulders and kissed him on the lips. _I hate doing this, but you're practically ordering me to._

I felt the salty taste of his tears. _You've brought this on yourself, Yeshua._

I was about to step away, but Jesus grabbed my arm and asked, "Judas, didn't you have to betray the son of Man with a kiss?"

The only words my mouth could produce were, "Hail, rabbi."

I turned my back on his and walked past the horrified apostles. I didn't want to witness what I knew was coming. Eyes wide shut; I heard the handcuffs being slapped on Jesus' wrists. I heard Peter's growl as he reached for the gun that he always kept with him. I heard the arrested prophet yell out, "Peter, don't shoot! He who lives by the bullet dies by the bullet!"

Jesus then addressed his captors. "Why are you arresting me with all of your guns and armor _in the dead of night_? You're acting like a gang of thieves! Day after day I sat teaching out in the open _and you didn't come after me then!_"

I heard the terrified shrieks of the disciples as their beloved master was being captured. Jesus assured them, "Don't fight it! I'm going with them! I have to do what God wants! If I needed to I could send twelve legions of angels to rescue me!"

"Don't fight it! I'm going with them! I have to do what God wants!" I turned around and was nearly reduced to tears. Jesus grabbed by three guards. Guns pointed at the others. Jesus looking straight at me.

"_But all of these things must happen to fulfill what the prophets have written!"_

One of the guards sent a warning shot up in the air that sent every apostle sprinting away with all their might. My feet stood planted, I saw Jesus dragged to one of the cars and thrown in the back seat.

My role was done. I was forgotten. The cars drove off without me. All alone in Gethsemane I yelled out, _"I hate you Jesus!"_

My voice echoed, then died away. I yelled out all the louder, _"I hate you Jesus for what you made me do!"_

I let it all out. With no one but the plants to see I wept like a child who had just been beaten.


	19. Attacked by the Apostles

Chapter Nineteen: Attacked by the Apostles

The Abaddon Tavern was open twenty-four hours a day. It was so late in the night that I was the only one who sat in that dark miserable place, but that suited me fine. I tried not to think about Jesus as I drank my beer, but to no avail.

It had been hours since Jesus had been hauled away in chains, but I could vividly remember everything. My tired brain kept replaying the kiss back to me. Everything from the Jesus' sad eyes to the tears on his lips was crystal clearing my memory.

I had to find some way to forget about it. I turned to the bartender and told him to turn on the TV. I immediately regretted it when he did so. Every station was tuned into a special address to the entire Jewish nation given by Caiaphas.

He explained first that Jesus had been arrested. I was grateful that my part in it was ignored. Then Caiaphas went on to explain how Jesus was guilty of treason, blasphemy, and incitation. I cannot lead myself to repeat the lies he wove, but Caiaphas attacked Jesus every way possible. Calling Jesus everything from a demon worshiper to a pig from a family of whores, I couldn't stand to watch more than fifteen minutes.

I walked out the bar more depressed than I was when I first went in. I had no idea that the worse night of my life was about to get worse. I should have been more cautious about walking down the streets of Jerusalem. Without realizing it I was walking in the direction of the Great Temple. My head was down and my eyes were half closed. I didn't see the men walking towards me from a long way off.

But they certainly saw me.

I heard the rough voice yell, _"Look, there's Judas!"_

I looked up and saw Peter, Andrew, James, John, and Matthew running to me. As soon as I turned to run they grabbed me. Andrew slung his arm around my neck with a growl. James and John grabbed both of my arms while Matthew and Peter clutched my back.

"Take him down into the woods,' Peter commanded.

I tried to gasp for air as they forced me away from the street and into a small grove of trees a short distance away. Struggling did no good. It was five men to one, and I was clearly overpowered. I tried to scream, but John cupped his hand over my mouth. It wouldn't have done any good anyway. There was no one around to hear my scream.

"You bastard!" Peter shouted in my ear. "I knew you were up to something, but I didn't think that even you had it in you to stab us all in the back!"

"You've betrayed us all!" Andrew yelled.

"It's all because you that Jesus is on trial for his life right now!" Andrew cried. "And now you'll die with him!"

They threw me to the ground. "Get away from me," I yelled as loud as I could.

"You sold your soul to the Devil," John said. "I bet you even welcomed him when he possessed you!"

"I'm not possessed," I yelled. I tried to get up and run, but they circled me and kept me down. "You don't understand! I had to do it! I didn't have a choice!"

They ignored me. Peter pulled out his loaded pistol and pointed it at me. "Tell the demons of Hell that Simon Peter sent you."

Had my miracle been a second late Peter would have been the one to shoot me with the gun. A female voice in the distance yelled, "Peter, stop!"

The disciples looked up to see Mary Magdalene running up to them. Her red hair was tangled in itself. I could tell that she had been crying a great deal, for her mascara had run down her face.

Mary ran in front of me, shielding me from Peter's bullet.

"Get out of my way, Mary" Peter growled.

"I won't let you shoot him," Mary answered. "Drop the gun."

"Judas sold our master down the river," Peter said. "He deserves to die!"

Mary retorted, "You sold Jesus down the river, too. Just thirty minutes ago you told those people at the Great Temple that you never knew Jesus. Don't you remember saying, _'Damn it, I never knew him'?_"

"It's not because of me that Jesus is about to be crucified!" Peter said. "It's all because of this damned traitor! Don't you see it?"

"I can't let this one man take all the blame and let myself go free," Mary said.

Matthew and John grabbed Mary and pushed her away. She yelled, "Don't kill him! We are as much to blame as Judas!"

I tried to get up, but James and Andrew kept me pinned the ground while Peter kept his pistol pointed at my face.

"Don't move an inch," Andrew hissed. He looked up at Mary and asked, "What are you talking about?_ I_ didn't turn Jesus in."

Peter had aimed his gun at my face and once again prepared to shoot. Once again to the rescue, Mary punched my would-be killer in the face. More out of disbelief than pain, Peter spun around and dropped him gun.

"Didn't you listen to Jesus at all?" Mary asked. "Jesus knew that this would happen. He warned us that it would happen. He even said that he had to die to cleanse us of our sins. I've sinned and you've sinned. If you're going to blame Judas for Jesus' crucifixion, you need to blame all of us."

With all eyes on Mary Magdalene I took my chance. In one swift motion I jumped to my feet and sprinted back to the street. The disciples were after me in an instant. I had one last advantage over them though. By now the streets were filled with multitudes of people. I learned later that they were running to the capital of Jerusalem to witness Jesus' trial. I darted through the mob and disappeared from the view of my attackers.


	20. The Greatest of the Disciples

Chapter Twenty: The Greatest of the Disciples

I knew I had to lie low. I knew that the next time the disciples found me I wouldn't be so lucky. With dawn on its way I hid behind one of the shops on the street. Sitting against the back of the building and with my face in my hands, I slowly came to terms with my lot.

I had an enemy of the remaining eleven disciples. If they had a mind to, they would seek me out until they found me. I would have to leave Jerusalem and change my name. I didn't know where I would have to live, but I might have to move from place to place if the apostles were serious about hunting me down.

_This is my punishment for doing Jesus in._

I pulled the six hundred dollars out of my pocket and tossed it to my side.

A shadow came around the building and walked up to the building. I was about to jump up and make a run for it, but I saw that it was Mary. She silently sat down beside me and said, "Hi Judas." Her expression was blank.

"Hi Mary," I said. "Thank you for saving me back there."

Mary changed the subject. "Jesus has gone from Caiaphas to Pontius Pilate to King Herod back to Pontius Pilate. So far he hasn't been sentenced to death, but Caiaphas is rallying everyone in Jerusalem to pressure Pilate into signing the death certificate."

"I'm sorry," I said. 'You're the one who'll believe me, but truly I am."

"There is a prophesy in the Torah that speaks of one of the Messiah's friends betraying him, so I'm not surprised that it happened," Mary said. "But why did you do it?"

"Because Jesus isn't the Messiah," I said. I expected Mary to gasp and call me a blasphemer, but she said nothing. "He's not the son of God. He's a prophet who let his ideas get way too out of hand. He wants to go down in history as the one who set Judaism upside down."

"If that's true, then he's getting his wish," Mary said. "Don't you think that he's already kindled his light?"

"This had to happen," I sighed. "Someone had to turn him in before the whole world get's set on fire. I know he doesn't deserve to be crucified, but it is better for him to die than for all of humanity to burn."

"You're right," Mary said. "Jesus needs to die to save us all from Hell. You had a role to play in that. All of these things must happen to fulfill what the prophets have written."

"So you don't judge me?" I asked.

"No," she said.

I stared deep into her eyes which displayed no energy or emotion. Why was she here? Why did she want to talk to me? What was her purpose?

As if she were reading my mind, Mary answered my question. "You're sick, Judas. Satan has poisoned you against Jesus."

"More talk about Satan," I grumbled. Mary's words didn't mean anything to me. She had faith in some one that I hated. As far as religious believes were concerned, we stood on two different cliffs separated by a weak bridge. I had crossed the bridge long ago, and as Mary preached to me all I could do was watch it burn.

"There is nothing I can say that will heal you," she said. That much was true at least. "The only one who can save you now is Jesus."

"Do you think he'd want to save a traitor?" I asked.

"Even when you betrayed him, he still called you his friend," she said. "Does that mean anything to you?"

I didn't answer his question, but said, "Jesus' other friends are after me. I'm leaving Jerusalem."

"Don't!" Mary cried. "Stay here for just a few days longer."

"Why?" I asked.

Mary opened her mouth, and then quickly closed it. "I can't explain it to you as good as Jesus could. But I promise you that if you just stick around for three days you'll be able to reconcile with Jesus."

"I don't care about that," I said. "I hate Jesus."

"Not half as much as you hate yourself," Mary said. She gently placed her hand on my shoulder and in doing so glanced at the six hundred between us. "Is that how much they paid you to kiss Jesus?"

"Yes."

"Give it back."

"Why?"

Mary told me, "You won't even admit it to yourself, but you loath yourself for what you've done. The best thing for you to do now at this point is to rid yourself of the benefit for your crime. Look Caiaphas square in the eye and hand it back to him."

My eyes lit up. "Mary," I said, "that's a great idea."

"Go do it right now," she urged.

Her council lit a spark in my heart. Returning the money wouldn't help Jesus, but it would be my one last noble act. This was a chance to give Caiaphas my piece of mind.

"Thank you Mary," I said. We got up and she embraced me in her arms. I felt something deep within my soul that I hadn't felt for days: Joy.

"Just promise me one thing," she said. "If you ever see Jesus ever again, you'll talk openly and honestly to him."

"I promise."

"Just remember to wait patiently for a response. Jesus often uses signs to get his point across rather than plain speaking."

I nodded and grabbed the money. After saying one last goodbye to Mary Magdalene I walked once headed to the Great Temple. Then I heard the most intriguing words in my life.

"_I'll pray for you, Judas," _Mary called.

Out of all of the people who I spoke to after betraying Jesus, Mary Magdalene was the only one to treat me like an actual person. That was the last time on Earth that I ever spoke to her, but she left her mark. She even took the notion to pray for me.

I'm sure that if she truly knew me she would have picked a job nearer her size.


	21. Manipulations

Chapter Twenty-One: Manipulations

The Great Temple was always guarded by a certain number of soldiers. Ten Jewish soldiers were always present to make sure that none of God's laws were defiled, and twenty Roman soldiers were always present to make sure that none of Caesar's laws were defiled.

When I walked up the Jewish guards I recognized them as the same ones who had arrested Jesus. I found the Captain and said, "I need to speak with Caiaphas."

He laughed, "Yah, you and every other Jew."

Surprised that he didn't recognize me, I said, "I'm Judas Iscariot. Don't you remember me?"

The Captain squinted his eyes. "You're the one who led us to Jesus."

"That's right."

"Follow me."

I followed him into the Temple. There weren't any merchants in there, but it was just as busy as it was the day Jesus turned over the tables. Pharisees and rabbis from all over the nation were arguing with each other over matters that I didn't catch. One of them was holding a huge banner that read "Jesus of Nazareth: Traitor, False Messiah, and Satan Spawn!"

Caiaphas was in the center of the building screaming into his cell phone, _"Do I sound like I give a damn what Pilate says? We're getting Jesus tried today if it kills us!"_

When Caiaphas closed his phone the Captain said, "Lord Caiaphas, this is Judas Iscariot. He needs a word with you."

"This better be quick," Caiaphas said looking at me. "I'm very busy."

II cleared my throat. "Jesus was an innocent man, and I have sinned by betraying him."

"I could care less," Caiaphas said. As he walked away from me I grabbed the money from my pocket and shot it at his feet. "I don't want this money anymore!"

Caiaphas shrugged, picked up the money, and started to walk off. He was stopped by a Pharisee who asked, "When people ask me how Jesus had been an agent of the Devil, what would I say?"

Caiaphas answered, "Tell them that all of Jesus' power to do miracles came from Satan. Tell them that he was sent from Hell to overthrow God's kingdom on Earth and to deceive the people."

Sweat trickled down my face as my muscles tightened. With all of the force that my lungs could muster I yelled out to everyone, "Why are you making up all of these lies?"

Up until now my presence in the Temple had been ignored. Now all eyes were on me. But this was one time in my life that I didn't care who was watching me, what I was making myself look like, or where I was. I had something to say, and by God I would say it!

"Jesus said that he was the Messiah! He also said that he was the son of God! And I used to be his disciple! And even though I hate him now, I know for a fact that he isn't a demon! He isn't of the Devil! These are all lies!"

I pointed a finger at Caiaphas. "You especially have been deceiving the people. You once said that his mother was a whore who made her bed among carpenters. I know Jesus' mother, and she is a respectable lady. You had no right to say that about her!" The accused' mouth dropped in shock.

The banner that read "Jesus of Nazareth: Traitor, False Messiah, and Satan Spawn!" caught my eye again.I tore it from the hands of the rabbi who held it. "With this propaganda you plan to incite the people into wishing for the brutal murder of one man! That is a worse crime that anything Jesus has done! The zealots never had Jesus' approval. Jesus rallied the Jews to love God and each other in his name, but you're rallying them to hatred!"

I great scream bellowed forth from my mouth as I ripped the banner up into shreds. I cared not about the gasps from the Pharisees and rabbis. My blood was burning with the fire of anger. "Someday everyone will know the truth, Caiaphas! They'll know who evil you are. I see it so clearly now: You will be hated forever for the political murder of Jesus! And no one will ever show you any pity."

Two hands grabbed my shoulders and led me out of the Great Temple. I was being dragged away by the guards. "Wait," Caiaphas commanded them. They stopped moving and held me where I was.

Caiaphas stood tall and smiled. With all coolness and dignity he smirked, "You're right about everything. But what you don't recall is that none of this could have been possible without your help. If you hadn't ever come to me, Jesus wouldn't be in this mess right now.

"And you speak of me being remembered forever for this? If Jesus' crucifixion is so important that it will be remembered forever, then you'll be spat upon by everyone who hears the story. At least I knew who I served. You switched sides. You were of great use to us, and we used you well, but you have no place here. What's more, the followers of this one Nazarene will never forgive you. Not the ones alive today. Not the ones alive two thousand years from now. You're the traitor, and you will be judged forever for it!"

Caiaphas gave a signal, and the guards took me away. They threw me outside the Great Temple and told me that if I ever showed my head in there again they'd cut it off.

But by now I didn't care what happened to me. I was sick with the cold hard reality. I had been manipulated as a tool. I had been used, and now I was all used up.


	22. Suicide

Chapter Twenty-Two: Suicide

Intense sickness seemed to take hold of my weary body. I lay on the cold ground without knowing exactly where I was. And after what I had been through, I no longer cared. If what Caiaphas told me was true, then my name would be interchangeable with _traitor. _I shuddered at the thought, but knew that it was too late to stop it.

My thoughts then turned to Jesus. At the mere thought of him the sunlight dimmed. My surroundings molded themselves into a cold prison cell only big enough for one person. Huddled up in that tiny space was my deal friend. His clothes had been beaten into bloody rages. Blood, sweat, and tears fell down his body in unison. His bruised head was buried in his scarred knees and hands. His whole body quivered back and forth in fear.

And as quickly as the vision came, it disappeared. I stood up in the parking lot of the Great Temple. Dark clouds covered the sky. A roar of thunder flew through the sky. I waited for the rain to follow, but I felt no drops.

_I shouldn't have done that to him, _I thought miserably. _Jesus shouldn't have been arrested into the hands of Caiaphas. _

I remembered how Caiaphas planned to use to Jews just as he had used me to bring about Jesus' end. I thought of the ministry that was expected to die with Jesus. Jesus told people that he was the Messiah, but he also told people to treat others as they would have others treat them. Jesus coined the phrase _Love your neighbor _and _Where you store your treasure is where your heart lies._

Jesus said many things that-if taken in-would revolutionize the world for the better. I remembered that that was the exact reason why I became a disciple of Jesus in the first place. Whether or whether or not he was God was irrelevant. The people needed a leader with the wisdom to say _Let he who is without sin cast the first stone._

"Jesus shouldn't be on trial right now," I spoke to the world. "He should have been allowed to continue this ministry that would change the world."

But then I remembered that Jesus honestly believed that his own death as part of God's plan. I recalled the night he said_, __I'm bringing mankind and God back together. They'll never be together unless I do this._

Mary Magdalene also believed that Jesus had to die to bring salvation. I remembered that-despite the fact that she was under a huge misconception about Jesus' identity-she had treated with such kindness. I wondered if she would have acted such a way to a traitor if she hadn't been a follower of Jesus.

Another question cropped up in my head. _Why have so many people believed Jesus have is the son of God?_

Is must have been the miracles he had preformed along with the wise speeches he gave. Those were the ingredients of Jesus' ministry that had convinced so many people. But I wasn't so easy to win. I still firmly believed that God and only God could see into the future.

_And Jesus has never done this. He's never given a prophesy that has come true, _my mind confirmed.

As I reflected on the time I had spent with Jesus, I realized that this wasn't true. Jesus predicted that he would be betrayed by me and put on trial. This had come true.

_But that was an easy one, _I said to myself. _Jesus was part of the working force that made it come true. He gave you the bread and told you to do it when you ate the Seder with him._

But then I remembered another prediction Jesus gave. Jesus told Peter that he would deny ever knowing him three times. And when Mary was defending me from Peter, she confirmed that he had done so. My mind sought for a logical explanation for this miracle. All I could come up with was pure luck on Jesus' part. The trouble was that I didn't believe in luck.

Then I remembered the prophesy in Genesis that Jesus used to explain the purpose of his execution.

"_I will put animosity between you and the woman, and between your descendant and her descendant; he will bruise your head, and you will bruise his heel._"

There more I thought about it, the more I recalled that Jesus often used prophesies in the Torah to prove his points.

_"All of these things must happen to fulfill what the prophets have written….."_

Among all of the flashbacks that I was having of the times Jesus and I spoke to each other, one stuck out to me. The first night in Jerusalem Jesus and I sat on the front porch. Jesus told me, _"Judas, you are a very smart person which much depth. But Satan wants to cast you into darkness."_

Why happened I remembered this before? This was the type of thing that I had been seeking. Before the thought ever occurred to me to leave Jesus' movement, he knew that the potential was in me to do so.

"_I see it now. This is how Satan will trap you. Not greed or hatred, but fear. Fear of Satan's greatest tool, for when the insecurities of people are exposed the darkness flies into the cracks."_

He was right. Whether or whether not Satan was behind it, fear was what provoked me to betray him. Jesus knew what was going on long before I talked my course.

A ringing sound filled my eyes. My eyesight weakened. The feeling in my hands and feet went numb. The contents of my head were sprinting a million miles a minute. A single truth tried to enter my head, but I pushed it out with all my might.

"No!" I yelled. "He isn't!"

But the single truth had a voice of its own. It sang out, _"You didn't betray a man, or even a prophet. You betrayed the son of God!"_

"He can't be!" I protested.

I spun around, and then made a run for it. I didn't know what I was leaving or where I was going, but that didn't stop my legs. "I know Jesus!" I yelled. "He's not the Messiah! He's just a man! He's not a king! He means nothing to me"

_"Then why are all of your actions and thoughts centered on this one man?"_

I feared the voice for one simple reason: If Jesus was just a man then I was just a traitor. If Jesus was more a man, I was something far worse. I continued to run through the world. But I wasn't alone. I felt myself being tracked by some predator behind me. I ran all the faster to escape it. The sun in the sky disappeared completely and the sky turned black as pitch.

_I don't know who you are, Yeshua, _my brain wept. _Are you a man, or a god, or somewhere in between!_

The stones that lay on the ground that I stepped began to sing, "He did the one thing that you wanted him to. Behold your absolute proof: He not only predicted the future, but _your _future! Why do you fail to worship the Messiah, Judas Iscariot?"

The footsteps that were following me got closer and closer. I dare not turn around and confront the monster head on. The sky was as black as night and the twinkling stars were now visible. I followed their light. They led me astray off of the road and into the dark forest.

A little red bird sat on a branch and laughed, "You're the traitor, Judas Iscariot! You're the traitor, and you are damned for all time!"

The footsteps that were tracking me got louder and faster. I continued my attempt to flee from them. I looked up the nighttime sky but only saw one star. The red ball of fire followed me wherever I went and held me in its grasp. It was the star that lived in the space between day and night. It was the Morning Star, and it shone its flaming light upon me. I knew that it had been stalking me every day, and now I was ripe for its picking.

I knew now that there was only one way to escape the tracker who was at my heels and the Morning-Star that blinding me with its light. Jesus spoke of it every day. I stopped running and looked around. The Morning Star was directly above and the monster was only ten steps behind me.

_"God,"_ I prayed out loud.

Tears fell from my eyes to the ground. I stopped. How do you tell a father that you're sorry for murdering his son? This father was God, and I was out of his grace and protection. There was nowhere I could run where the father couldn't find me. Every step I took upon his Earth I defiled it. I had no place in the world now.

Looking around, I knew exactly where I was. I stood in the very spot where peter held me at gunpoint a few hours ago. I even saw where his discarded pistol lay. "I didn't betray a man, or even a prophet," I finally admitted. "I betrayed the son of God." My tears doubled in multitude.

The footsteps began again. I spun around and saw a ghastly sight. Jesus of Nazareth stood before me. He was naked and bruised. His scarred skin was bloodstained. I crown crafted out of thorns sat on his head. His outstretched finger pointed straight at me. He was six steps away.

_"You're not Jesus!"_ I yelled. _"I know Jesus!"_

He took at step forward.

_"Get away from me!"_ I screamed. My tears quickened.

Jesus took another step and was only three steps away from me. If I was any less terrified I would have ran away. But I lost the power to run and was fixed to the spot.

_"You're not Jesus!" _I shrieked. _"I don't want you!"_

The bloody man took two steps and now was right in front of me. His finger nearly struck my skin. His burning eyes looked like lakes of fire.

_"Get away from me Satan,"_ I screamed.

His hands with streams of blood instantly grabbed my arms. I tried to get loose, but I was no match to his superior strength. He wrapped his arms around my whole body. The light of the Morning Star was as bright as it could be. My vision was now limited to shades of red. My skin burned in the light.

I desperately shrieked, _"I want Jesus!"_

I gave a cough, and blood exploded from my mouth. I felt it on my lips and down my throat. I was as sweet as wine.

I yelled with all my might, _"I don't want you! I want the Messiah!"_

Then by a miracle a shook free of the man's grasp. I grabbed Peter's gun, lifted it to my face, and without a second thought pulled the trigger.

The visions faded. The Morning Star disappeared with its red light. The bleeding man was gone. All that remained was the darkness of the night and the silence of the air.


	23. The Sign

Chapter Twenty-Three: The Sign

The dark clouds in the sky cleared only enough for the sunlight to shine upon the earth. I stood in the grove of trees and watched the branches sway in the wind. Although the wind was strong, I didn't feel the air touch my naked body. Nor did my bare feet feel the rocks they stood on. I had lost feeling all in my body, but I didn't care.

I held my situation with the utmost indifference.

I walked to the main road. For several miles around it was crowded on both sides by multitudes of people as if they were about to watch a parade of some sort. A closer examination showed me what they were really looking at.

Jesus of Nazareth was as horrible looking as he did in my vision, but I immediately knew that this time he was the true Nazarene. Jesus was bent over with a wooden crossbeam tied to him. Jesus' weak arms struggled to carry it down the road. He was surrounded on all sides by Roman soldiers with whips in their hands, ready to lash Jesus if he stopped moving.

The attitudes of the spectators varied. Some laughed at Jesus and swore at him. Others couldn't bring themselves to look upon him, but cried with their faces in their hands. Other people simply stared at the condemned man with wide eyes. I saw a few of the disciples mixed in the crowd here and there. They held their heads down low and kept their emotions to themselves. Fear that they could be next gripped their hearts. I saw Mary Magdalene weeping and gnashed her teeth in emotional agony.

Jesus' face was ridden with pain. His eyes had already produced all of the tears they could. His teeth grinded together with each step he took. His half-closed eyes were lifeless.

Several times Jesus stumbled and fell to the pavement. The whips were on him instantly. Jesus' mouth opened, but so sound came out. Most of the time he was able to get back on his feet and continue his journey. But eventually Jesus fell to the ground and didn't get back up, despite the pain of the flogging.

The Romans pulled a bystander out of the crowd. He was a young strong man. They forced him to carry Jesus' crossbeam for him. Although reluctant to do so, the man knew that he had no choice. Jesus crawled behind the man as best he could.

Crucifixion would only quicken the process. Between the beatings and the floggings, Jesus was already dying. His soul was halfway between Heaven and earth. Every so often Jesus would look up at the sky with his eyes fully open. A lashing from the guards would bring him back to reality.

The morbid parade paraded for an hour. Finally the crossbeam and Jesus reached the hill. It was the site of Roman execution. Dreaded by all Jews everywhere, it was where Jesus would face what he had been dreading his whole life.

The Romans attached the crossbeam to the crossbar and set it on the ground. Jesus knew what he had to do and didn't need prompting. With what little strength he had left in him he crawled up on his cross. His outstretched arms waited for the piercing.

Jesus' mouth whispered all sorts of things that no one caught. But I heard them. They were frantic little mutterings such as _"Dad, give me the strength to fight hard enough"_.

Whatever he was saying, he stopped as soon as the first nail was drove in his wrist. The guard did his job as if he were driving a nail into a board. He had done this many times before and paid no heed to the groaning of the tortured victim. He sent the second nail in the other wrist with as much skill as his experience in the grim task had given him.

Jesus legs were spread out on the ground. When both of his wrists were nailed to the cross the Roman grabbed both of Jesus' feet and overlapped one over another directly above the cross. Jesus' eyes widened when he realized what was coming. An extra large nail was needed to connect both feet to the cross, but it was sent in just as efficiently as the previous two. Jesus tried to hold back his wails, but with both his feet nails to the cross he couldn't stop them from springing forth.

Four guards were needed to push the cross upright in the air. It shook back as it reached its highest point. Jesus cried out, _"Dad, why have you forgotten me?"_

Jesus wasn't the only one in pain. Most of the disciples had fled into hiding, but there were a few who had followed him to the cross. Among them were the two Marys, James, John, and Matthew.

They looked at their beloved savior on the cross and wept. Jesus muttered to them, _"Watch me. Watch me as I make all things new."_

Jesus said nothing, but groaned as he slumped down. The muscles in his body were giving out. His lungs were weakening, making it harder for him to breathe. It was midday and the sun was at its highest point. It cast its hot rays upon the Messiah who hissed, _"I'm thirsty. Oh, so thirsty." _Jesus took a few deep breaths, and then shrieked, _"My God, I'm thirsty!"_

A cruel laugher filled the air. Everyone looked to see Caiaphas pointed at Jesus. "Now if he_ is_ the son of God, let's see him come off of the cross!" Caiaphas watched with glee as Jesus suffered, confident that he would never have to deal with Jesus or his disciples ever again. If only he knew…..

The Roman soldiers were in possession of all of Jesus' old belongings. Everything from the bicycle that he rode into Jerusalem with to the coat that Mary brought him now was their property. To see who should get what, the guards got out a deck of cards and played Poker right in front of Jesus. Jesus' apostles were angered by this, but were powerless to do anything.

Jesus looked at the Romans, then at Caiaphas. "_God, forgive them," _he said.

_What kind of a man prays for his murderers, _I wondered.

Jesus went on. "_Forgive them all."_

_Who is he talking about?_ I wondered. _Just the Roman guards and Caiaphas? Judging by what Jesus said, he is asking God to forgive me, too._

I would have liked to think that Jesus included me in his prayer, but I had done so much evil against him. I only wish that I knew what I was doing at the time.

Jesus was more dead than alive by now. However, that didn't stop him from completing his prayer. _"Forgive them God. They didn't know what they were doing."_

For the first time that day a great passion over took me. There were many times that I had claimed to hate Jesus. That certainly wasn't true of me now. I ran to the foot of the cross. Jesus opened his mouth just as I opened mine. Our words were the same and were sung out in unison.

_"I love you so."_

Great rain clouds darkened the sky. Thunder shook the earth.

Jesus knew that his time had come. His eyes opened all the way and lit up. The corners of his mouth turned upward. He looked up the heavens and shouted with triumph, _"It is accomplished! It is accomplished!"_

Out of everyone there, I was the only one who understood what Jesus meant. His greatest defeat was his greatest victory. I-who had never understood anything-now struggled in my understanding of nothing. Jesus had brought salvation to the world.

_"Dad," _he said with a sigh of relief, _"I send my spirit into your hands."_

With these words Yeshua of Nazareth-the Messiah-breathed his last, closed his eyes, bowed his heads, and gave up his ghost.

I heard the wails from the apostles who saw their master die. They took Jesus' earthly shell off of the cross and wrapped it in a white burial cloth. As it was carried down the hill I remembered the words Mary Magdalene made me promise just a few hours ago.

"_Just promise me one thing," she said. "If you ever see Jesus ever again, you'll talk openly and honestly to him."_

"_I promise."_

I looked at the body being laid in a tomb. It had holes in its wrists and feet.

I said, "Thank you, Jesus."

Then I remembered what Jesus made me promise last Thursday.

_"Just promise me one thing," Jesus responded as he got out of his chair. "If you ever speak to God open and honestly, you'll look out for a response. God often uses signs to get his point across rather than plain speaking."_

I stood patiently and forgot any expectations I had. There was a clash of thunder in the sky as the rain drops came hurling down. I felt the rain drops hit my head. They were cool and refreshing. I looked at the blood which had stained the ground. The water from the sky washed it down the hill and all over the earth.

Jesus often used signs to get his point across rather than plain speaking. This sign was Jesus' way of assuring me that he had heard me.

The End


	24. Comming Soon

Before Jesus ascended into Heaven........

Before Jesus was crucified and resurrected….

Before he began his ministry…….

He was a teenager!

Introducing the prequel to I Am Judas, where the beginning of Jesus' movement is explored! Through the eyes of his cousin John the Baptist, we will witness an alternate reality where Young Jesus attends high school along with the people who later become his disciples.

Questions that will be asked:

When did Jesus first realize he was the son of God?

CWhat was his initial reaction to learning that he would have to be crucified?

What was the influence that John the Baptist had over Jesus' life?

The Way of the Lord

Comming to a FictionPress near you.....


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